Art by Samantha Miller
Imagine this: You are sitting down at a restaurant, excited to eat dinner. Your waiter puts a delicious meal in front of you. You lift up your fork, when suddenly, you see it. Mankind’s greatest enemy.
A mushroom is a “fleshy fruiting body of a fungus,” according to the Merriam Webster Dictionary. While I do not consider myself a picky eater, a fungus goes too far. The Merriam Webster dictionary defines a fungus as a “parasitic spore-producing” organism.
Both of these definitions are frankly horrifying and lead to me firmly placing mushrooms in the “absolutely not” category.
Also, have you ever seen a mushroom? They commit war crimes when people are not looking. I am completely serious.
However, it has come to my attention that some people are willing to eat mushrooms despite the risks they pose to national security and my mental state.
In answer, I provide a comprehensive list of why I hate mushrooms.
1. They are a fungus (see above).
2. They have the completely unique and unnerving texture of melted Tupperware that was pulled through a taffy machine.
3. Eating one feels like sitting in a room full of damp, mushy carpet. This is probably where the name “Mush-room” originated from.
4. The taste. Mushrooms are reminiscent of deceit and shattered childhood dreams. They have a similar flavoring to both meat and vegetables, but the only reason this similarity exists is because the mushroom combined the worst qualities of both.
5. The mushroom can never decide whether it wants to make a statement or hide in the shadows. The taste can be so powerful that it completely overwhelms anything you eat it with. Trying to enjoy a nice plate of ravioli? Mushrooms can make it impossible. Or, mushrooms impersonate what they are cooked with, which is creepy and proves mushrooms are masters of deception and criminal behavior.
6. The smell. It deserves half a star. The half is purely because I am in awe of a mushroom’s confidence to be that bold while smelling that bad.
While mushrooms provide vegetarians and vegans alternatives to hamburgers, there are countless other options. Why would you eat an omen of destruction when you can eat Impossible Whoppers, tofu or chickpea, sweet potato and bean-based veggie burgers instead?
In conclusion, mushrooms are awful and we, as a society, have progressed past the need for them.
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