I have let my (l)on(e)ly child syndrome define me my entire life. It shouldn’t, but it does.
I credit many of my greatest aches to a childhood spent solely around adults, as an observer turned mini-grown-up.
I have to preface by giving credit where credit is due –– I am the person I am because I was raised as an only child. There are lessons I have learned and opportunities I have been gifted that I would not have experienced otherwise.
My life as an only child developed my soul in a way I would not trade for anything, but even so, I would not wish that kind of lonesomeness upon anyone.
In more ways than one, I was self-taught. Sure, I never had to fight over the bathroom or the car keys, but I had to teach myself how to braid hair. I learned the consequences of talking back to my parents through personal experience rather than laughing at an older brother for getting into trouble.
I had to keep secrets and laughs internalized because I didn’t have a little sister to share them with. I had no one my own age to annoy or argue with.
Instead, I filled that sibling-conflict gap by arguing with my parents, an alternative I would strongly advise against because it never, not once, worked in my favor. Shocker.
My parents are wonderful and they love me so much. My upbringing was beautiful, but it was also deeply layered, and wildly complicated. Wounds cut deeper because I had to face the brunt of them alone.
I always wished for a sibling to help bear the weight, someone whose life was actually identical to mine, not just someone who understood, but someone who was actively living it, someone I didn’t have to explain myself to.
While I developed independence, I still hated being alone. Throughout my adolescence, I constantly felt the need to surround myself with people and noise.
I have always been good at making true friends and dedicating myself to those long-lasting relationships, a skill I can attribute to my only childness, but it wasn’t until college that I really learned how to enjoy being by myself (sometimes).
However, I will always choose being with others over being alone. I have had enough alone time for a lifetime.
Though I remain endlessly grateful for the childhood I did have, I think there will always be this hole, this question mark and grief for the siblings I never had.
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Contact Ava on Instagram @avamarilyn or via email: ava.heinert@pepperdine.edu
