Pepperdine’s Veritas Club hosted a forum focused on friendship in Elkins Auditorium on Tuesday, March 18.
The conversation centered around relationships and ways people can improve their friendships. April Marshall, Pepperdine professor of Hispanic Studies, and John Hendrix, New York Times bestselling author, led the forum.
“In a true friendship, you’re bearing witness to each other’s lives,” Marshall said. “You walk with one another, feel what the other feels and are a witness to their life in every way and at the same time they are a witness to your life.”
Hendrix is the author of “Mythmakers,” a graphic novel about C.S. Lewis and J.R.R. Tolkien. He said he has spent the past five years thinking about friendship and fellowship.
“When we say fellowship in the context of Tolkien and Lewis we tend to think of a particular type of fellowship and the things that brought them together in their journey,” Hendrix said. “So, a word that reminds me of friendship is steadfastness or long-suffering.”
For 25 years, Tolkien and Lewis were each other’s closest friends, Hendrix said. Without their friendship, Narnia and Middle Earth would not exist.
“That’s how important their friendship was and, to me, that all came down to their steadfastness and in some ways their long-suffering with one another,” Hendrix said. “When you’ve had a friend for a long time, you know exactly what that means.”
The forum focused on three main concepts: how does being a Christian make you a better friend, what does it look like to be a responsible or accountable friend and what the connection is between friendship and other kinds of relationships.
Does Being a Christian Make You a Better Friend?
Hendrix said he believes being a Christian helps in making someone a better friend. Everyone has moments where faith has helped with difficult moments, Hendrix said.
“And, we can also think of times when maybe there was a hard moment and as Christians, we were a little too quick to suggest a Bible verse that would make it all better,” Hendrix said.
Hendrix used parts of Tolkien and Lewis’s shared backstory to help illustrate his point.
When Lewis and Tolkien met, they had a shared history because they both had fought during World War I and should not have made it out of the war, Hendrix said.
“When they [Lewis and Tolkien] first met, it was the equivalent of if you went into a meeting and somebody was wearing a Wolverine shirt and you love Wolverine,” Hendrix said. “You would walk over to them and be like ‘oh my gosh, let’s talk about Wolverine.'”
In that first meeting, Lewis and Tolkien talked about Norse Mythology and Tolkien invited Lewis to join his reading group where they read Norse Mythology in Icelandic together, Hendrix said.
Since Lewis had gone through the war, he had become an atheist, Hendrix said. He had tension in his heart after seeing how terrible humanity could be. Tolkien, who was Catholic, offered Lewis a better way to view the world, Hendrix said.
“Christian friendship can give us the ability to not just see Christianity as a collection of papers but rather ask what is the story,” Hendrix said. “We can ask people what they think about the problems in the world.”
Marshall then asked what other important ideas people can take from different world views.
Hendrix said community and unity are two ideas that can be taken from any faith tradition.
“Religion is a way to have community outside of your blood family,” Hendrix said. “Our work always gets better in community.”
People often think that if they are in community with people, that community will want to corrupt or steal their ideas, Hendrix said. That way of thinking needs to be let go of.
“Striving for unity and community is part of the Christian tradition, but part of other traditions as well,” Hendrix said.
What Does It Look Like to Be a Responsible or Accountable Friend?
The next big question asked involved being a responsible or accountable friend.
“In a friendship, what does that mean?” Marshall said. “How do we embody accountability in a friendship?”
Lewis and Tolkien met twice a week and they had a great fellowship together, Hendrix said.
“This is one thing that everyone should take away from a friendship is that you have to be intentional,” Hendrix said. “You have to have things that you stick to and that you plan and that you don’t flake out on.”
Lewis and Tolkien connected through reading to one another, Hendrix said. Each would read unfinished works allowing for mutual vulnerability.
“They were really honest with each other,” Hendrix said. “In fact, that’s one of the reasons that their friendship began to deteriorate after 25 years; they lost the ability to be honest with each other.”
Hendrix said being honest is key to being a responsible and accountable friend.
“And so, I think a good friend, when there is trust and safety can be honest and can really have that connection,” Hendrix said. “When you have that trust with one another, you can say things that are difficult.”
What People Get Wrong About Friendships
Marshall said everyone has broken trust within friendships.
“What do we get wrong about being responsible or accountable?” Marshall said. “Because, we get it wrong, right? We’ve all been in friendships where it doesn’t go the way we hope.”
Hendrix used an analogy about moving to New York to help illustrate his answer.
“Let’s just imagine you told your parents you’re moving across the country for a new job in New York City,” Hendrix said. “What would they say? It would be like, wow, what a great choice. That’s amazing.”
From there, Hendrix used the same conversation but replaced it with someone moving to New York to be close to friends.
“Now, replace that conversation with, I’m moving to New York City because I have some really good friends there that are really special to me and we have a deep fellowship,” Hendrix said. “They [your parents] would think, that’s not a good idea.”
Hendrix said it is not normal to make choices to prioritize friendships. Friendships are seen as a bonus to people’s lives and that should not be the case.
“I mean, you guys may be in friendships right now that you will know for the rest of your life, right?” Hendrix said.
What is the Connection Between Friendship and Other Kinds of Relationships?
The last main question Marshall posed was about bridging the gap between friendships and other types of relationships.
“I met my wife in high school and uh, right it sounds so awesome,” Hendrix said. “It was amazing from the moment we met, right? No, we broke up three times.”
Through that experience, he has come to learn over and over again that he is not a relationship expert, Hendrix said. They have now been married for over 25 years.
“Graphic novels are a mess, okay?” Hendrix said. “Every day I’m in the middle, like this project, and it’s not working and relationships sometimes feel like that.”
Hendrix said even though relationships can feel like a mess sometimes, sticking to them is the point.
Marshall said what she has learned through friendship about relationships is the way in which it translates to her familial relationships.
“I think I’m a better daughter, I think I’m a better aunt,” Marshall said. “I think I’m a better cousin because I practice in those relationships what I practice in my friendships.”
The forum ended with a Question and Response as well as a chance to buy Hendrix’s “Mythmakers” book.
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Contact Alicia Dofelmier via email: alicia.dofelmier@pepperdine.edu
