Transparency Item: The Perspectives section of the Graphic is comprised of articles based on opinion. This is the opinion and perspective of the writer.
Growing up in Catholic schools, humility was a particularly valued trait that was encouraged on all fronts. Humility in service, faith and manners were praised as the markers of somebody who “lives each day as Jesus did,” and in my fairly secular household, one of the first moral lessons I remember was about the meaning of the word “humble.”
I have my qualms with other elements of a typical Catholic education, but this is one area I do continue to appreciate as an adult. I took this notion of a humble attitude very seriously, and I think it has served me and others well so far.
Humility is not a purely religious or spiritual concept, and I believe it is also valued in many areas of society. However, I think myself and almost everyone else has an imperfect understanding of humility, which shows itself in many commonplace behaviors.
For example, a self-deprecating sense of humor is not always the most popular, but it is pervasive to the point it is instantly understood. It is relatively acceptable to put oneself down as part of a joke, and poking fun at oneself is sometimes viewed as healthy.
Growing up, I was occasionally told that I needed to learn to laugh at myself so as not to appear too serious or stuck-up. I do not entirely disagree with that premise, and I do make an effort to take myself a little less seriously.
Yet, I question the popularity of self-deprecating humor now and then. Sometimes, whether it is online or in person, it seems that this form of humor betrays a need for validation rather than a kind of modesty or humility.
Sometimes, when people joke about their supposed flaws, it seems more like an insincere attempt to gain praise or keep from seeming arrogant, rather than as a genuine joke. False modesty is not an admirable quality, but it does seem to be very common.
I am guilty of practicing false modesty myself. Sometimes I am genuinely trying to be funny when I say something self-deprecating, but most of the time it feels more automatic than authentic, and I find myself wondering what I thought the point was.
While these jokes are, by and large, pretty inoffensive, I do wonder if it would still be so common in a healthier community. I am particularly concerned about the amount of uninhibited self-deprecation online, almost all of which is directed at strangers.
I have certain flaws that are easy for me to make fun of, but there is a difference between humorous self-awareness and arbitrary cruelty. I started becoming more intentional about the jokes I made when, picturing them turned against another person, made me realize how mean-spirited and small-minded they were.
There is also something to be said for modeling good behavior in front of others, particularly loved ones. If I say something negative about myself, I could unintentionally imply something negative about a friend or family member.
When somebody insults themself, it could be said that they are also insulting everybody who loves and cares about them.
Recently I was watching an episode of “Crazy Ex-Girlfriend,” starring Rachel Bloom as a big-shot lawyer who impulsively moves to West Covina in pursuit of a high school boyfriend. Toward the end of the episode, in a conversation with coworker Paula, played by Donna Lynne Champlin, she repeatedly and frantically refers to herself as “crazy.”
Then Paula puts her hand up and says, “Don’t you talk about my friend like that ever again.”
It is not the case that this protagonist has no flaws, or even that she is not, to an extent, “crazy.” However, as obvious as this may sound, this moment struck me as a poignant reminder that compassion is not reserved for entirely well-adjusted people, but is most beneficial for people who are struggling with their flaws.
Practicing compassion for oneself may also be an exercise in practicing it for others. It is too easy for cruelty and resentment toward the self to turn outward, and while false modesty comes from complicated places, I wouldn’t call it compassionate.
I learned about the word “humble” from the book “Charlotte’s Web” when I was a very young child. In that story, the word refers to Wilbur’s lack of pride, his sensibility and his generous heart.
Wilbur is a lowly spring pig who irritates the other farm animals with his naivety, but he remains determined to live in spite of everybody’s opinion that he is small and insignificant. He does not resign himself to thinking he is lowly, but he also does not try to change himself, instead asserting all the best qualities the others have ignored.
Humility requires a measure of self-acceptance, as well as, within reason, acceptance and openness toward others. It is not an easy thing to remember, and few of us are great examples of it, but I think it is hugely important for people who want to do right by others.
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Contact Alyssa Johnson via email: alyssa.johnson@pepperdine.edu
