This week’s “Top 10” addresses the age-old question: How does one respond to an awkward question in public while still keeping his or her cool? A difficult task on the spot but here are some ideas.
1. Are you still single? Flash your best smile and answer “You know I’ve got so many hotties on my plate at the moment; I can’t afford to commit.” Follow with a million-dollar wink.
2. What did you get on that midterm? About as awkward as asking how much money someone makes or the square-footage on their house. Besides the obvious dishing of the grade or an elementary “None of your business what can you possibly say? If you did well, let ‘em have it: Aw do you need tutoring? I offer my services at a price.” Confidence isn’t a crime right? The embarrassment serves them right for asking.
3. Where did you get that top? Listen you have no obligation to disclose the name of your favorite vintage shop where you invented your signature look. It took years for you to figure out how to dress and you are not about to let a layman get the scoop on your hard work. How about… “Oh this ratty old thing? I got it so long ago. I don’t even remember.” If you’re a girl a hair flip is a nice touch. Note: If you’re imitating the window mannequin at Urban Outfitters you have no right to this line.
4. Oh you’re a _________ major? What do you plan to do with that? Other than the fact that he just implied you chose an inadequate course of study this thick-headed character just opened the door for you to pick apart his dirt-poor attitude. “Call me a free spirit but I just can’t imagine wasting my life behind a desk like all those (insert his major here) majors.” The last part only flies if he hasn’t mentioned his major directly in the conversation. You could’ve conveniently forgotten.
5. Did your date ditch you? (And he/she did.) “Oh no they’re just off to fetch me a refreshment.” Then discreetly slip out or find a new one before anyone else notices. You can chew Judas out later for leaving you in a room of piranhas while they discuss international politics or more likely baseball season or the latest “Cosmo” cover (because we’re shallow).
6. What do you think of (name) and (your ex) getting together? Prying for personal details and hinting at noticeable discomfort all at once. This offender is bold and is no newbie to asking impolite questions. If you can master an indifferent smile try this on for size: “I think they’ve found a perfect match.” Sarcasm is a gift but only if executed without obvious bitterness. If you’re ticked and don’t care there’s always the old “It’s a downward slope my friend.”
7. Is that really all you’re going to eat? This refers to unwelcome dinner guests who sit down uninvited and proceed to critique the size of your meal or lack thereof. With nutrition about as personal as religion these days no one can afford to throw around these insulting one-liners. Rather than recalling neat diet factoids from your high school health class reword the question: “Are you really going to eat all that?” Then pretend it was a Freudian slip.
8. Does this make me look fat? Shame on them for holding you accountable for their belly fat! They don’t want to hear it when you joke that they should skip dessert for once but as soon as they’re in front of the mirror on outfit No. 4 you’re their go-to person. Men accept my apologies on behalf of womankind. Resist the temptation toward satire— “Is chocolate high in calories?” Be cordial: “To be honest that’s not the most flattering style. I’m sure there’s something better in that closet of yours.”
9. Can I borrow (prized possession)? No. 8 is sometimes a precursor to this question. “Nope but I’m happy to let you get my mother off my hands.” People appreciate humor.
10. You look tired. OK not a question but still rude. It’s a backhanded way of saying “Hey you don’t look good today.” Put the offender in her (it’s usually a she) place by coyly suggesting an eventful evening— even if you were just up re-reading the fifth Harry Potter or in the company of an absolute babe of a textbook called financial accounting. Example: “Well it is Songfest season but that doesn’t account for the lost hour between rehearsal and 1 a.m…” Subtle right?
