Dear Grace,
It’s my 11th day at Pepperdine and the soreness in my thighs has become unbearable. I live in Banowsky, have two classes in the CCB, one in the library and one in the CAC. When will my body adjust? Will the next four years be filled with perpetual pain?
Sincerely,
Freshman Fatty
As someone who takes pride in the lengths to which I will go in order to remain as lazy as possible, there are a few imperative lifestyle changes you must commit to in order to survive here at Pepperdine without getting skinny. So, if you don’t want to gain the Freshman 15 stop reading, keep walking, whatever.
If you’re like me and enjoy a sedentary routine, read on.
1. Don’t underestimate the shuttle:
It feels so silly to walk past the HAWC in order to reach the shuttle en route from Banowsky to the CCB. Just commit. No one needs to know how far out of your way you walked simply to avoid the dramatic — and mostly traumatic — incline of the stairs. You burn fewer calories, build less muscle and gain clarity and peace of mind from a refreshing and enjoyable morning walk.
2. Thai Massage:
In my frequent travels to McDonald’s, I recently noticed Malibu’s best kept secret: a Thai Massage parlor wedged between “Fashion Boutique” and the backside of Plate. I mean, I can’t afford a massage of any kind, but my roommates and I looked through the windows and concluded that if indeed we ever choose to partake in physical activity, we should follow it up with a mildly shady group session of aromatherapy within walking distance of both Thai Dishes and the liquor store.
3. Feign injury:
Did you know that if you break your leg or something, DPS just hands you a key card to all the parking lots on campus? This is not a drill. Forging a doctor’s note can hardly be that difficult. Find some sort of splint, a set of crutches, or maybe a neck brace, and Pepperdine practically throws you a parking permit before you can say “handicap accessibility lawsuit.” Nobody wants to admit that this campus is entirely impossible to navigate for anyone unable to run a marathon in less than three hours. Twisted ankle? Sprained finger? Headache? Tell DPS you have a life-threatening condition and remind yourself how much money you pay to go here before the guilt strikes.
4. Sign my petition:
Join me in efforts to install moving walkways across both lower and upper dorm roads, escalators with access to the CCB and SAC, zip lines from Lovernich to Payson and slides spanning the descent from Drescher. I currently have two signatures, but I feel that if enough support is rallied, administration has little choice but to comply.
