GABE DURHAM
Staff Writer
My campaign for Supreme Court justice is off to a glorious start. Most folks I’ve pitched my campaign to have at least admitted that I look like a young Stephen Breyer.
The only snag I’ve hit so far has been finding an application. They make it so hard. It’s almost like they don’t want people to run. I could go on, but Gabe Durham honors his commitments. So, as promised, this column is devoted entirely to cheap shots at Michael Jackson. Ahem.
Born a young slave from Tatooine, skilled in piloting and strong in the force, Jackson burst onto the music scene with his sugary voice, electrifying dance moves and winning smile.
When “Thriller” came out, Jackson started hanging out/dancing with an army of the undead. So it was no surprise to anyone that he was seduced to the dark side by Senator Palpatine. Then, just as some of the zombie mothers in his undead army began to charge the “Beat It” singer of misconduct, Obi-Wan Kenobi pushed him into molten lava during their duel on the volcano-planet Mustafar.
Now he makes mediocre pop music and wears a mechanical suit that keeps him alive. No wonder Jackson’s music has suffered — he’s more machine than man. I’m not sure why the King of Pop defected to the dark side, I’m just confident that the force will balance itself out like it always does. Just look in the news.
It’s no coincidence that just as country singer Kenny Chesney and actress Renee Zellweger got an annulment after their four-month marriage, actors Charlie Sheen and Denise Richards decided to get back together. See, celebrity worshipers? Love isn’t dead. It’s just got ADD.
Or how about when the overrated comedian-bred sitcom, “Everybody Loves Raymond” came to a close? The terribly-titled comedian-bred sitcom “Everybody Hates Chris” is strutting in to fill its place. Maybe it takes a guy as talented as Chris Rock to save the sitcom genre. I just don’t know why he would want to.
Again, the genre of cinematic musical seemed likely to be buried along with “The Sound of Music” and “West Side Story” producer/director Robert Wise. But in comes “Live Freaky! Die Freaky!” a new stop-motion animated musical about a futuristic cult that worships Charles Manson as its messiah.
Even if I’m not elected to the Supreme Court, I’m confident that the force will balance itself out by making sure my good friend senior Mike Nevarez is elected Homecoming king this year. Consult thefacebook.com for more information about his campaign, if you haven’t already left the site because the administration is holding a disciplinary hearing after you selected “Pearl Harbor” as one of your favorite movies. If so, I hope they throw the book at you. A big book, like a dictionary.
I also hope this column has helped you become more fluent in the ways of the force. Legend has it that a chosen one will rise up and defeat Michael Jackson, restoring peace to the galaxy once again.
Some say it will be his son, that baby he dangled from the balcony, but my guess is Mac Daddy from Kris Kross.
09-22-2005
