President gone fishin’. Come back later

Daniel Johnson
Art Editor

I would like to proclaim the splendor of television. A summer in your underwear on a sticky leather couch is made sublime by the comforts of Cartoon Network and The History Channel. This simple and happy existence is something to be desired by all of humanity, but after a couple months the programming seems to lose its edge. It seemed that the only way to jumpstart television back to being an  exciting medium was to watch our president catch a four-pound bass on “Fishing with Roland Martin.” The important part of intense TV-watching is to not discriminate — every show gets an equal opportunity, which is how I stumbled on the Outdoor Life Network only to see our commander-in-chief relaxing on a Texas pond with bass fishing star Roland Martin. My immediate thoughts: Is he still president? Has Dick Cheney executed a coup? 

Immediately I was struck by the vision of Colin Powell storming up the hallway to the Oval Office only to find “Gone Fishin” scrawled on the back of a cocktail napkin. This might be a frightening experience — we still have a lot of troops deployed in Iraq. The country shouldn’t stop for fishing breaks. 

But why not be on a pond in Texas? You know that if George was stuck in Washington, he would just be playing mini-golf in the Oval Office.
God save us if I ever become president, but if by some fraud I did secure that position, I wouldn’t be on some bass fishing show. I would go to concerts and football games. John Kerry got it right when he threw out the first pitch at a Red Sox-Yankees game a few weeks ago. That seems much cooler than bass fishing with Roland.

But I don’t see how any of these public relations forays help win the presidency. I have been fishing quite a few times in my life, and let me tell you, there ain’t much to it. Basically you throw a hook on a string into a body of water and then you wait. Usually after several drinks and losing your tackle box to the murky depths, you falsify stories of the one that got away and then go home. If George is trying to impress us with his skill, I am still waiting. The art of fishing does not easily transfer over into the political forum.

A part of me does celebrate the free spirit of George W. Now that I look at how I spent my summer and the pop culture that the television has bred, it is a smart political tactic to try to win over those people who watch the Outdoor Life Network. That could be a huge contingent of voters, people rich enough to afford 3,000 television channels but still view bass fishing prowess as a sign of leadership (aka: Republicans).

All joking aside, I can respect our president for his attempt to appeal to the common man. The election has become a race to appeal to the majority of America, which lies between the extremes of the two parties. So look out for both candidates to subtly try to win the middle.

In most presidential elections, I would hold the act of democratic voting in the highest regard, but just this once I think that we should take a new approach. The Olympics have inspired me in this regard. I believe that the presidential election should be decided by Greco/Roman wrestling. I would be willing to sacrifice that whole Electoral College thing for a single bout to knock the other guy out. Plus it would be funny to see both candidates in unitards.

08-30-2004