With Valentine’s Day quickly approaching, you might have noticed that the number of couples polluting the Malibu campus seems to be skyrocketing rapidly. While I’m simply brimming with joy for those of you who’ve at last found a kindred spirit in this desolate wasteland of romantic selection, I must inquire whether it’s entirely necessary to spend each beautiful reunion between two hours of class separation with explicit PDA in Joslyn Plaza. Be considerate, as some of us are dealing with much more important issues, like being single.
Dear Grace,
Pepperdine is a pretty small school, and it’s way too easy to run into people you don’t want to see. I feel like throwing up every time I see an ex-boyfriend, or feel like a stalker when I chance upon a former hook-up. Is there specific etiquette for managing these awkward situations? Ways to avoid them? Is my best bet to transfer to UCLA?
Sincerely,
Don’t File That Restraining Order
Dear DFTRO,
Let me assure you that the reality of this issue weighs heavily on many of us. Although it may seem that every couple to start dating here at Pepperdine is engaged before the month is out, there are, in fact, quite a few of us who have struggled in the humiliating process of parting ways with significant others here on campus. Some strategies I have found helpful:
No. 1: Go Abroad. While this may seem like an extreme method of dealing with a break-up, it’s nearly 100 percent effective. Moving to Europe, South America or Asia is a surefire way to take your mind off the drama of Malibu relationships. Not only will you have fewer opportunities to connect to Wi-Fi on your phone and stare at their Facebook page, but your own page will be flooded with ample photos of yourself in exotic places, which you can upload to ensure that anyone who might care knows that your life is far too busy and exciting to bother with the dull monotony of avoiding someone on the second floor of the CCB every Tuesday at noon.
No. 2: Re-Route. Understandably, moving across the world is not always a feasible option. I know all too well the awkward moment of indecision in the Jamba Juice line when you must decide if a 24-ounce Five Fruit Frenzy is worth a seven minute wait in line two people over from an ex. While it’s important not to let the terror of running into someone unsavory consume your life, minor tweaks in your route between classes are completely appropriate and often necessary in the event that you must remain in Malibu.
No. 3: Look Good. It might be tempting to avoid campus hotspots like Payson and the Caf in order to prevent further drama from unfolding in your life, but you’ll soon find that task nearly impossible. While certain tables and study carrels are now off limits, you mustn’t cave to the temptation of becoming a recluse. Rather, wake up early enough to manipulate your appearance into something presentable and embrace those moments when you see an ex and feel like diving off a cliff into perpetual anonymity.
No. 4: Wear Camouflage. Don’t have two hours to spend straightening your hair every morning? Limit your wardrobe to shades of beige. Earth tones make it easy to subtly flatten oneself against almost any Pepperdine building, or jump quickly into some trees on Lower Dorm Row. Execution of this tactic must be honed and perfected, however. Having been discovered in the bushes outside Stauffer Chapel last September, I acknowledge that explaining your way out of that one can be a doozy.
Take heart, DFTRO, and put that UCLA application down. Anonymity is vastly overrated when options for humiliation, hijinks and hysterics abound across Pepperdine’s campus.
