Dating while you’re in college is an important part of the overall experience. At Pepperdine, I hear the complaint way too often that there is not enough dating. I have come to conclude that among other things, this is a result of the mindset that dating should only be undertaken with marriage in mind.
I was brought up on the principle that you need to “save yourself for marriage,” dating included. While I still believe that saving oneself for marriage is important, I don’t believe that one should date with marriage at the forefront of one’s mind.
People seem to have the mindset that if you’re casually dating, you’re also going to be hooking up. This is so far removed from what is true for most people.
You must keep your values, virtues and core beliefs at the center of any relationship, whether it’s a long-term relationship or a casual date.
Now, I want to state up front that I am not a proponent of people hopping in and out of serious relationships. This is not only stressful but also sets you up for failure in future relationships.
Just think of yourself as a sticker–when you attach and detach yourself on a regular basis you are not only losing the ability to be able to attach to anyone else, but you also have a bunch of stuff that you carry along with you each time.
Something must be said about the distinction between dating and courting because a point of contention lies in the confusion of these two terms. Dating — casual or serious — should be a fun way to determine your likes and dislikes in regard to relationships and a way to get to know a new side of yourself that you can’t possibly get to know without actually dating. Courting, on the other hand, is for marriage and should be engaged in with such in mind.
I think we have to be honest with ourselves and realize that the majority of us do not have the time to commit to courting anyone while in school, and therefore we are not ready for marriage. However, we do have a natural and healthy desire to be in a relationship. Dating is a great way to find out what you want and don’t want in a relationship, with no pressure and no strings attached.
Taking things slowly and going on dates with a person — instead of jumping into a serious relationship — is one of the best ways to have a healthy relationship in the long run. That way, you can have a healthy friendship with the person if you mutually decide things won’t work out. If you do decide to take it to a serious level, then you will have already gotten to know the person to whom you will be devoting a large part of your life.
I feel that one of the reasons relationships have such a high failure rate is due to the rapidness at which people move within them. Just because you like a person or find them attractive doesn’t mean you really know them, and it certainly doesn’t mean you have to be in a romantic relationship with them.
Having a healthy friendship with a person you’re interested in is of extreme importance. You should be best friends with the person you’re in a relationship with, but that friendship has to come before the romance in your relationship.
One of the top reasons relationships fail is due to lack of communication. If you can’t maintain a healthy friendship with someone of the opposite sex, you shouldn’t be in a relationship with him or her. Friendship should be the foundation and is one of the key elements to a successful long-term relationship.
Now, I’m no relationship specialist, but I am an observer. I’ve observed successful relationships, and also failing or failed ones. I’ve observed that in all of the successful ones, the couple took things slowly in the beginning.
These couples were friends, then — when they developed feelings for one another — they went through a stage where they communicated specifically what they were both feeling. They went on fun, casual dates, sometimes exclusive or group dates, and then when they saw that it was working for them, they took their relationship to a long-term level, and in some cases they ended up courting and getting married. Dating is not for marriage, courting is for marriage. With this in mind, there needs to be a new wave of dating to hit Pepperdine. Hopefully I’ve made some impact and dating will increase among the student body. This would make our experience here truly unforgettable.
