Dear Grace,
Sometimes I read your column and I’m confused as to whether or not you are being serious. Do you have any advice on how to interpret the things you say?
Sincerely,
Dazed and Confused
Dazed and Confused,
How can satire remain satire when I myself lead a life so pathetic, ridiculous and largely desperate that I often adhere to my own “joking” advice only moments after I concoct it? Sure, everything written here begins as humorous commentary on the outrageous antics of college students. However, desperation often leads me to live out those ideas that originally served to mock others. As you read my column in the future, ask yourself these questions in an effort to discern my sincerity.
No. 1 Do you know me personally?
If you have ever interacted with me in any capacity, consider the source of the advice put forth on this hallowed left-hand side of the Perspectives section. Can you picture me acting out the things I say here? The answer is undoubtedly yes. Yes, I’ve stalked law students in the hope of sparking a mutually beneficial romantic arrangement. Yes, I’ve hidden behind the Christopher Columbus statue in order to avoid running into an ex-boyfriend. Yes, I’ve commented about myself on social media forums in an attempt to boost my reputation, and yes, I’ve tried jogging from my apartment to Pepperdine before class one time in an attempt to lose weight. If you can see me acting it out, my advice is fair game.
No. 2 Do my suggestions hinge largely on accidental hijinks and coincidence?
The advice I offer, while seemingly well-thought-out, usually hinges on colossal coincidence. Take, for example, my “Ring by Spring” article in March 2012. Sure, swooping in on a newly brokenhearted acquaintance and taking advantage of his or her emotional vulnerability as a means to procure an engagement ring before April may sound like an entirely plausible scheme. In actuality it is utterly absurd, relies heavily on happenstance and will likely end in tragic humiliation for all parties involved.
No. 3 Are you a blithering idiot?
You are currently dreaming, within a dream, within a matrix. Hello, are you serious, how did you get into this school, what is your name, where do you live, why do you bother waking up in the morning, etc.? No, you should not hold a beer-pong tournament in the Sandbar or get a tattoo to dissuade someone romantically interested in you. No, you should not ask someone to formal with a text message and quickly follow up with an “lol jk someone stole my phone.” No, you should not choose a fraternity based on my outrageous quiz and no, you should not take this column seriously.
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