It’s no secret; the dating scene at Pepperdine is horrifying. And that’s putting it kindly. At Seaver College, there are two trenches in the battlefield of love; both separated by an expanse of no man’s land so unwelcoming you’d think it was a Creed concert … at Hot Topic.
You can only inhabit one of these trenches. The first, and most populated, is the friend-zone trench, mostly controlled by females who fear commitment like it is Satan incarnate, who take guys of quiet desperation begrudgingly along for the ride. The history carried by each individual in this trench is something even Pliny the Younger wouldn’t go near, and the extra baggage would cost a fortune at the airport (assuming you’re not flying Southwest).
The other trench, though considerably smaller, is infinitely more disturbing. This trough, occupied by people who’ve been holding hands and stealing kisses since kindergarten, is only for those who are seriously considering a Caf proposal or who plan on spending their last years at Pepperdine in holy matrimony.
And yet still there are some of us, like my friend Mitchell Snow, who are uncomfortably standing in the middle of this battlefield, feebly peering off into the distance in hopes of finding someone, anyone, in search of the same thing we are. Alas, this metaphorical setting is perpetually foggy.
But I’m here for you (and I always will be). That’s why I’ve turned my weekly column into a personal ad, in hopes of providing confidence to the downcast out there who no longer believe in love. The first ever victim, I mean participant, of my dating service is none other than Mitchell Snow.
Mitchell would like to make it perfectly clear that he doesn’t need a date, or even particularly want one; he’s just intrigued by the idea. By agreeing to participate in this experiment, I mean service, Mitchell has promised to go on a date with the first female who sends an email in response. That’s right, he won’t have a choice; whoever answers earliest is who he will be taking out on a date. It doesn’t matter if you’re student, faculty, or even alive. That’s where all the fun lies. Here is his profile (which he filled out on his own accord):
1. Adequate looks:
His features are average. Some say he looks like Kyle Orton, who just got benched in favor of Tim Tebow, not to throw out any subliminal messages. Also, he does have a moustache, so … there’s that.
2. Personality:
That’s not to say it’s a good one or even a bearable one, but one would have trouble making a case against its presence. He definitely has one.
3. Will definitely appreciate you:
Let’s just say Mitchell isn’t the type to walk out on a whim or change his mind depending on how the wind blows. He’s here for the long run.
4. Physically incapable of carrying you (literally and emotionally):
It should be noted that he’s working on fixing this one.
5. Proud supporter of the island oasis SB3X model smoothie blender:
… which we still don’t have in the HAWC yet. Seriously guys — what gives?
So there you go. What a guy.
The dating scene here is unforgiving, but this “Rogue Wave” column wants to shine a light amid the darkness. Mitchell Snow is a great guy just looking for some companionship and love. Who can blame him? Let’s make this university a better place, one relationship at a time. If Mitchell Snow sounds like your kind of guy, or heck, if you just want a free dinner, check the email at the bottom of this column, and pick out something fun to wear, because you’re going on a date.
And remember, this is a race, so be swift.*
*Be warned, I may be accompanying you two on this date for a future column.
