I did it again.
For the 20th year in a row, I forgot to figure out my Halloween costume before October hit. This, of course, can mean only one thing: The rest of my month will be riddled with a sense of heightened paranoia and crippling insecurity. And they call it a holiday …
It’s true; I do have 24 days and a stressful morning to figure out what I’m going to be, but if history is any indication, that simply is not enough time. Life was easier when I was a kid. In elementary school, I had the attention span of a goldfish with ADHD, so unless someone was talking about recess, I wasn’t listening. When Halloween rolled around, I usually just threw on a football jersey, grabbed an old pillowcase and trick-or-treated the night away. I went as Brett Favre for the entire 1990s … almost. One time I got talked into dressing up as Captain Hook so my 6-year-old brother could be Peter Pan and have someone to hold his hand as he walked around the neighborhood. (I was 14.)
Last year, I was so caught up in nothingness that I didn’t start making my costume until I was in the car driving to a friend’s house to celebrate; the resulting night of loneliness, seated in the corner as a ghost (bed sheet plus two eye holes), left me vowing to never make that mistake again. Yet here I am, once again, devoid of a costume with less than a month to go. And sure, I could order something online and then watch it show up in my mailbox with two weeks to spare until Halloween, but where’s the fun (read: misery) in that?
I want my costume this year to be memorable. I want people to refer to it as “the epically unforgettable costume incident of 2011” when they talk about it years down the line. I want at least one person to never dress up again after seeing my costume, citing an inability to “top” my ingenious outfit. The first thing that came to mind was to go as a football player again, but that seemed played out. I could go in something risqué and name-tarnishing, but I think every girl over 12 has that covered. And I don’t know if this is out of style, but are people still wrapping themselves in toilet paper and going as mummies?
I put together a list of my top five costume ideas for this year. I’d really appreciate it if at least one of you (I’m looking at you, Mitchell Snow) would email me with your opinion, perhaps saving me a weekend or two of laying in a fetal position, eating Funyuns and drinking Squirt. Here are my options:
1. Eyjafjallajökull: No, that’s not a typo. I was thinking of spray-painting my hair gray, wearing sweats, and going as the volcanic eruption that shut down airports and inconvenienced a bunch of people last year in Europe. The explaining I’d have to do throughout the night would certainly get old, but … I’d get to wear sweats.
2. Bedbug: See column from Sept. 22 issue.
3. Oil Spill: This is another easy outfit (trend: Less is more), because I’m planning on just carrying an oil can around and spilling oil all over stuff throughout the night. I may get kicked out or burn a house down, but is the political statement worth it? (No, no, it is not.)
4. Tum-Tum: I can guarantee you nobody else is going to dress up as the fattest and most incompetent of the three ninjas. If I end up being this, I’ll bring a windbreaker and aviators just in case nobody gets the reference, so I can quickly make it a Coach Gordon Bombay costume as a last resort.
5. Adele: If there is a lot of candy around, let’s just say “I’m gonna eat it allllllllllllllllllll.” I’m putting all my eggs in this basket, hoping people eat that joke up all night. If not, I’m just going to be the jerk making fun of a slightly overweight singer with the voice of an angel. And if there’s one thing I don’t want to be …
Halloween is all about … what the heck is Halloween all about? I have no idea. It has something to do with candy and gourds with human features. But to me, Halloween has always meant stress and neuroticism. But not this year. I’m vowing to not let anything distract me from figuring out my costume … wait, do we seriously still not have an Island Oasis SB3X Model Smoothie Blender in the HAWC?
