It came to my attention this week that the DIRECTV boxes owned by Pepperdine and housed in the main lobbies of residence halls and apartment living rooms on campus are plagued by a parent lock for all shows exceeding TV-14.
To which I say, “And your problem is?”
Sure, I’ve heard people complaining that this isn’t 1600s Salem, Mass.; we shouldn’t be censored from watching TV-MA shows. I’ve even heard people provide the official definition of a TV-MA show, which is “some of the content may be unsuitable for children under 17.”
We are all 17 or older. I am 22. But I for one am thankful that Pepperdine is here to make major entertainment and lifestyle choices for me. I would probably be living under a bridge if not for this much-needed safety net. Frankly, I don’t think they’ve gone far enough.
For example, when I walk into the cafeteria, why isn’t there someone to cut me off when I go for my fifth consecutive bowl of Lucky Charms? Where is the administrator when I push the soda machine button and just open my mouth, downing a gallon of cola in less than a minute? This stuff could kill me, you guys.
It brings PTSD-style flashbacks just to admit this, but last year in a humanities class I was more or less “waterboarded” into reading “Slaughterhouse Five.” There is like a porn star in that book — at least that’s what Sparknotes said — and I had to read it if I hoped to graduate with a Pepperdine Degree.
God Bless Pepperdine for protecting us from the smut that’s on TV or one of the innocents among us might find themselves exposed to the horrors of a critically-acclaimed series on 1960’s advertising, or worse, a cartoon show about fourth graders living in Colorado. I’m just bummed the school is letting TV-14 shows slip through too — because Lord knows Miley Cyrus’ little twerking episode at the VMA’s forever tarnished my views of teddy bears, foam fingers and the film “Beetlejuice.”
Sure, if you were really upset about this “injustice,” you technically could sit on your couch and test out all 10,000 possible combinations of the school’s four-digit parental lock (I’m assuming there is a correct four digit number out there — and it’s not 1937).
With it in place, students are completely free of temptation, since there is no other possible way of enjoying adult-rated things; movie theaters no longer exist, neither does music and there aren’t giant websites that house these series (rhymes with Shmetflix). That’s what’s so great about the parent lock; it’s a four-digit carpet bomb of solved problems, a one-stop solution to an issue that isn’t at all complex or morally ambiguous.
Because if there’s one thing I know to be true, it’s that Pepperdine students are so incapable of making sound, personal decisions they need a big brother style higher institution to step in and make the decisions for them.
And at the end of the day, art is only art if it’s produced with a fourteen-year-old in mind.
_____________________________________________________________________________
Follow Ben Holcomb on Twitter: @BenjaminHolcomb
As published in the Sept. 12 issue of the Pepperdine Graphic.
