By Britney Spears
(But really by James Riswick, News Editor)
It may surprise you, but I am a frequent reader of the Graphic. I have, like, always enjoyed your big pictures. Pepperdine’s name is also kinda like Pepsi who I’m a spokesperson for. Well not any more, that dang Shakira has taken my place and she doesn’t even speak English good.
I’m writing this column response to James Riswick’s frequent comments about me and other professional musicians. I’m getting tired of him making fun of me. Why can’t Riswick realize that I’m just an ordinary person who’s trying to live her life just like, like, everybody else?
Back in September, he called my kiss with Madonna, “a disgusting display of depravity that will surely warp our children’s fragile little minds. Yeah, that’s it, very disgusting.”
Oh yeah, well you’re disgusting. If y’all kissed Madonna, I wouldn’t have, like, a problem with that.
(Editor’s Note: Well duh!)
The very next week Riswick was back at it saying that I was “one of the biggest purveyors of spoken fecal matter in the world.” What is that supposed to mean anyway? No seriously, I don’t have a clue.
He later couldn’t understand how I could be a shy person and very intimidated. When I kissed Madonna and Colin Farrell and Fred Durst and when I put that snake around my neck and every time I take off another bit of clothing for a photo shoot, I’m not, like, myself. Seriously I’m not. Just as Christina Aguilera has a bad girl side called “Xtina,” so do I. I call her Xritney.
She’s, like, all dirty and stuff. But not Xtina “dirrty,” I have fewer piercings and mud wrestle less in my videos. It’s Xritney who’s a slave 4 U, not me. Britney is a roll model 4 U and all you little girls out there should know that you can grow up to be just like me. I think girls everywhere can learn from how I’ve stayed true to myself and tried to keep a squeaky clean image.
(Expletive deleted), I just broke my fingernail on this (expletive) keyboard.
What was I saying? Oh yes, I’m really an angel. I would never do some of those terrible things they write about me in the tabloids.
And just because I smoke a lot because it makes my voice sound better doesn’t mean I support little girls smoking. No, little girls shouldn’t smoke, but then I guess they won’t have sexier sounding voices. It’s, like, a trade off, you know?
Same goes for alcohol. It sure makes my nights out fun, I mean Xritney’s, but little girls should know that you will probably wake up to Fred Durst’s big bald head the next morning. And then later former boyfriends will sing in really high-pitched voices, “Cry me a river” followed by a deep voice saying, “ho.” So not cool.
I will say one thing for James Riswick, though. He was, like, totally right about Jessica Simpson. I will admit, I’m not the sharpest ball in the box, but come on, Chicken of the Sea? Everyone should know that Chicken of the Sea is actually tuna, not chicken and most definitely not fish. Doesn’t she know that dolphins aren’t fish? It’s called dolphin safe tuna for a reason, you know.
But I’m not just writing to respond to Riswick’s comments about me or Jessica Simpson’s stupidisity. Just because I’m a musician who happens to be blonde doesn’t mean I don’t have random thoughts too. Here’s some of mine.
• I was watching CNN’s Rock the Vote presidential debate the other day, and it was like, so good. All like 15 of the candidates weren’t all dressed up and they answered really good questions like what they were going to do about Iraq and who they would like to go partying with on a weekend. Al Sharpton was funny. But my question is, is where was President Bush? Isn’t he running again?
• Oh, and how come Riswick and y’all hate the Yankees so much? Derek Jeter is so cute.
• Why is Arnold Schwarzenegger the governor of California? I so think Mel Gibson would have been better, or like Colin Farrell. Oh, and why was that Arianna lady made to look like Stripperella in the Graphic? I was so offended by it. It was like they were saying women can only get by on their looks alone. I so disagree with that.
(Editor’s Note: I think this will finally get this “Britney” thing out of my system. Ah, who am I, like, kidding?)
November 13, 2003