Everything I know about profiling I learned in a yogurt shop. In this plasticine little town most locals can flaunt their frisky cars. In Malibu Yo the practiced eye of a yogurt girl can typically see through the smoke screen of an ice cream or yogurt order.
Forget what you think you know about yourself. These yogurt orders tell me everything you aren’t saying.
The Carbolite: You’re a grown up. If a feather-light powder-based excuse for yogurt whets your appetite more than anything else we offer you are at least 35 years old. And you’re probably a mom.
The Protein Powder in your Shake: You are in your late 20s and you’re difficult.
The Mochi Topping: You know love or admire someone from Japan — or you are Japanese. Nobody actually enjoys mochi as a matter of taste.
The Child Size: This order usually comes from one of two places — adult with a restrained sweet tooth or kids with a restraining parent. Either way that’s a bummer. Next time kiddo.
The Cone: Whether it’s a sugar waffle or cake cone — sprinkles or not one scoop or two — if you order a cone you can’t be more than 16 years old.
The Sno Cone: If you waltz into Malibu Yo with nary a clue what you want to buy and your decision is made the moment you see a bursting rainbow shelf of syrupy shaved ice flavorings — you are young at heart. If that shaved ice absolutely positively must be rainbow you can probably tell your heart’s age on your hands.
Malibu Berry: Now you see the light. I now pronounce you free from the clutches of Pinkberry.
To share: If you order yogurt to share you are probably old and get along unnaturally well with your spouse who is also a cheapskate.
The No Topping: This is a no-brainer. Being a staunch member of this demographic and having placed this very order myself in the past (pre-employment) I know that a yogurt sans toppings is the chosen treat of most college students. When faced with the difficult choice between a whole dollar for toppings or a mere 75 cents for more yogurt money-starved college kids usually opt for bulk over variety.
The “I’ll have a yogurt”: Not from around here are you?
The Chocolate Chip ice cream: This order never ceases to boggle my mind. Chocolate chip ice cream is easily the most boring ice cream in our case and yet it is one of the more frequently ordered scoops. The only possible explanation is its prime real estate: front and center. If you order this you must have picked the first flavor you saw. I beg you reconsider. Carpe the ice cream case.
The Matching Order with your Kid: You’re a cool parent (or babysitter). All the other kids are jealous. Bonus points for matching sprinkle cones.
The Dipped Chocolate Shell Cone: You sadist. You just want to make me look silly.
The Toppings on the Bottom and the Top: I love you outside-the-box types. Start the revolution.
Don’t think because your order isn’t on this list that I haven’t profiled you as well. You can run chocolate vanilla swirl but you can’t hide. A yogurt order that gives away your sense of self isn’t necessarily a bad thing. We all have our classics. I can’t kick the carob habit.
So maybe we should all spring for something our alter egos would approve of from time to time.