Transparency Item: The Perspectives section of the Graphic is comprised of articles based on opinion. This is the opinion and perspective of the writer.
In my observation, “small talk” has a fairly negative connotation even among the most outgoing people. It is widely regarded as an irritating formality when meeting new people, and does not guarantee the payout of a new friendship or even an interesting conversation.
I am the last person to fault anyone for finding fault with this part of the social dynamic. Especially as a reserved person, grasping for a topic that might connect with any given person is not easy, and I think a lot of people worry that they sound inane or boring when trying to approach new people.
However, small talk may have its redeeming qualities, if modified somewhat. If I think back to the beginning of my closest friendships, I remember being asked a lot of random questions, some silly and some personal.
Even though the point of small talk is to get to know a person, I sense that a lot of people hold themselves back at the risk of seeming abrupt, prying or awkward. But in my experience, people who asked point-blank questions with no hesitation, even genuinely strange questions, were the people I got along with the most.
I think most people want to be seen for all their depth and eccentricity, at least to some extent, and might appreciate being asked a slightly unconventional or creative question. As I’ve begun to consider the nuances of small talk, I’ve also found it helpful to try understanding why so many people dislike it.
Small talk is theoretically informal, but it often feels performative and inauthentic, particularly if one is self-conscious about first impressions. When engaging in introductions, I think it is easy to focus too much on the talking and too little on the listening.
Being self-conscious is very human, and it is not a moral failing, but I think it does get in the way of seeing other people clearly. It might be easy for me to dismiss small talk as meaningless chatter if I hate dealing with it, but if I am interested in fellow human beings, these conversations are vital.
If I refuse to ask about the small, throwaway details of somebody’s life, how can I claim to be interested in their depth of character and experience? Skipping over basic facts would undermine the curiosity that develops meaningful friendships.
Basic facts are also not limited to names and favorite colors. Small talk can start with a variety of topics. For example, one of the questions I like to ask people is, “What are your thoughts on ghosts?”
In the past, I have tried to probe people with questions that tended to lead nowhere. More open-ended questions allow for a better understanding of the other person’s ideas and personality.
I am not an expert on communication, and cannot guarantee that any of these points will work. Engaging with other people, especially in a fairly blunt manner, will always involve a degree of social risk.
However, humans are social creatures, and it is healthy for everyone to push their own comfort zone somewhat. American culture tends to prize extroversion, but being social is not predicated on extroversion.
Regardless of personality, I think most people can benefit from nurturing curiosity about others and becoming less restrained in terms of the questions they ask. Small talk does not have to be universally awkward, stiff and false.
Small talk might seem like an extrovert’s playground at best, a meaningless obstacle at worst, but over the years I’ve come to think anybody is capable of doing it well. Although it will never be a risk-free endeavor, it is highly adaptable and can look different for everyone.
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Contact Alyssa Johnson via email: alyssa.johnson@pepperdine.edu
