GARRETT WAIT
Sports Editor
Sometimes in this crazy world, logic has to take a back seat to free thought. Clearly, this year’s NCAA tournament is one of those times.
It would have been logical for UConn to beat George Mason and for Villanova to knock down enough threes to thwart Florida, but nay. Instead, we have a two-seed, a three-seed, a four-seed and an 11-seed vying for the right to call themselves the best men’s basketball team in the nation this season. It’s the first Final Four without a one-seed since 1980.
These facts are precisely why breaking things down cerebrally is lost at the NCAAs; too many crazy things are allowed to pass. It’s as though God turned his back and let chaos reign supreme in the four regions.
This is why the best possible way to figure out who will actually win the national championship is to use a Godforsaken television show’s formula for debauchery. It’s time for all the Final Four teams to hop on the ‘Next’ bus.
First up is George Mason University. She’s the girl next door who suddenly looks hot because she exudes confidence. She’s obviously not the prettiest on the outside, but it’s what’s inside that counts, right? She’s got major guts. She’s willing to do anything to win, but sometimes that can be a turn-off. A trip to a bar in downtown Indianapolis should bring out the best (or worst) in her.
Once at the bar, GMU immediately realizes she’s not the most beautiful girl in the room. Not even close, in fact. So she does what any girl desperate to make sure she’s noticed would do. She makes a scene. But this isn’t just any scene. It’s a code-red, face-melter and the more people who look to see all the commotion, the more commotion happens.
It starts off with several shots, more than she should take for sure. Next, she’s dancing on the bar, then the first layers of clothing start coming off. That’s when I realize that while she may be fun for a while, this is exactly the kind of girl who can land you in serious trouble. Let’s see what else is on that bus. NEXT!
What comes next catches me totally by surprise. She’s all Hollywood, but good Lord is she young. She introduces herself as UCLA. She’s the prototype girl, but should she really be allowed on this show? I mean, she’s really, really young. Oh well, the producers must know what they’re doing or else MTV never would’ve hired them.
Naturally, the date starts at a Chuck E. Cheese in suburban Indianapolis. This is where UCLA is most comfortable. She’s not as Hollywood as you might think, she’s more defensive than most girls coming from her area. She’s resilient and cunning, but there’s something immature about her, I just can’t put my finger on it. Then, at the skeeball lanes, it happens.
UCLA says she think she can beat me at skeeball, despite the fact that she knows I’m the best there ever was at the game. I was nailing 100 point shots when she was in diapers, which for this girl wasn’t very long ago.
Obviously, I take a commanding lead out of the gate, but with time winding down, she catches fire and I can’t buy anything but 20-pointers to save my life. I lose on the last shot and she turns to me and says, “In your face!” Yeah, she’s feisty, but do I really want to be belittled by a girl this young? Not a chance. NEXT!
Ah, here we are, a real contender. This third girl has it all, looks, brains and some real personality, not to mention that Florida tan. She’s really the total package. But she looks tense, that’s odd. Maybe a massage would do her some good. Let’s head out to one of Indy’s spas and get a rubdown.
This girl is so much fun to be around. She’s got an energy that’s infectious and some funny quirks. She seems like she’s been raised right and has a good head on her shoulders. But there’s pain between smiles and laughs. Something isn’t right. That’s when I make the mistake of asking what the other girls on the bus are like.
“I’m so tired of being compared to other girls,” Florida said. “I know I’m not as pretty as them, but I’m just as much fun. Why does it always have to be about looks anyways?”
Uh oh, this one has an inferiority complex, and the mere thought of dealing with her insecurities on another date makes me shiver. She’s got it all but that hot temper is a real deal breaker. Maybe another year will help her get it all together, but I don’t have that kind of time. NEXT!
This is it, the last girl on the bus. She has got to be better than the first three, right? Well, let’s just say she should be glad first impressions don’t count for everything with me. But she’s pretty enough, in a southern belle sort of way. Then, there’s that accent. “Hey y’all,” she says. “I’m LSU. You ready to party?”
I had planned on taking her out for pizza, but this girl has different ideas. She wants something she’s a little more accustomed to, so we head to Yats, a Cajun restaurant in downtown Indy. I’ve never had shrimp gumbo, but I like it. And the company isn’t half-bad either. She’s kind of sweet, and she has this thing in her eyes. It’s an understated confidence. She’s done this before and she knows what she needs to do.
We head out dancing after dinner, and I’m starting to fall for this one. She’s got a demeanor that impresses me. She handles everything with ease. From the drunken frat guy spilling his drink on her to the over-plasticized model trying to butt in while we’re dancing, she just shrugs things off and maintains my attention.
I find that I can’t take my eyes off her. She’s much prettier than I thought and she’s good at everything. She can talk for days, and that accent is really engaging. There’s only one thing to do. “LSU, we’ve been on this date for five rounds,” I said. “You can either stay with me or take the money back to the bus.”
The offer is taken without hesitation. LSU and I are going to party deep into the night. She’s a real winner.
So that’s how it’ll go down at the Final Four. LSU and Florida will vie for the title and the Tigers will cut down the nets in Indianapolis. Things are so simple once they’re broken down in the same style as an adolescent dating show.
03-30-2006