BEN YOUNG
Staff Writer
I love the fall. There’s football to watch, hockey to enjoy and basketball season is right around the corner. Oh yeah, and baseball is still on, like it has been for the last, oh say, seven or eight months.
But it is playoff season, you say. Well, I don’t care. I pretty much lost interest around the middle of July. The season, simply put, is just too long. It should be shortened – then, here at the onset of the playoffs, I would care about baseball.
So now you’re reaching for the stones to cast at my anti-American, anti-mom-and-pop, anti-apple pie, anti-small town, anti-tradition, anti-Fourth of July, heck, anti-American (wait, did I just say that twice) stupid Communist, baseball-hating, big-stupid mouthed body. Oh, and he’s probably a whiny liberal flip-flop to boot. And you’re probably right.
Although I like apple pie a great deal, I just do not understand what is so great about this basically boring, drawn-out and repetitive sport. No sport should have almost 200 games in one season. Period. How am I supposed to stay interested for that long?
Oh, but the drama, you say. Well, I disagree again. What drama? The Yankees versus Red Sox? Please. That’s probably the biggest beat down in all sports. Oh maybe the Giants-Dodgers division rivalry? Yawn. While I like seeing Barry jack bombs into the “Old Navy, Coca Cola insert other future corporate sponsors here” splash zone, it just does not hold the same magic for me that it did before I was convinced that he juices more than a Pepperdine freshman girl at Jamba Juice. And that goes for all those jerks.
I mean, for goodness sake, can we please regain some sort of at least semblance of reason in this sport? Rafael Palmeiro juiced. Yes, read that sentence again. Rafael Palmeiro juiced. Raffy – on steroids. Ridiculous. We all know he’s usually hopped up on Viagra, but juicing? Why? But then, I suppose personal friends of our president usually don’t tell the truth in Congressional hearings.
This brings up another subject. It is imperative that we, the people of the United States, do not allow George W. Bush to become the next commissioner of baseball. His time in the limelight must end after this term is up. To let him run baseball would be the equivalent of letting him run his daddy’s oil business. Oops. That’s old news – he already failed miserably at that.
I say, David Hasselhoff for the next commissioner of baseball. He has managed to resurrect his career more times than anyone this side of Pamela Anderson, and he is huge in Germany. Forget Latin America. Germany is the next breeding ground for baseball talent. Can you imagine it? Back, back, back, back – Jan Hinderhoffeunerburgstein goes long! Put that in your pipe, Chris Berman.
Do not try to make that argument that I do not understand the game. I was a good shortstop for my Polish little league team. Because of those invaluable five or six games, I can now comfortably say that, in spite of the fact I never got a hit, I know the game of baseball. I was good in the field. What can I say? And knowing is most of the battle.
In closing, while the Major League season bores me, I am pretty excited about the potential this Pepperdine team has this coming season. They missed the big time by a hair last year – you better believe they are coming back with a vengeance this year.
And on the professional side, I would love to see the White Sox make a strong run, knocking off those idiot Red Sox. And big ups to the Astros for proving that, despite all the Rangers’ efforts, Texas does not suck at baseball.
OK, folks, that is all from me. Feel free to write me love notes or hate mail to my e-mail address listed below. Last thing: go support your Waves this week. I’m out.
10-06-2005
