Dear Grace,
Do you have any tips regarding late-night raccoon run-ins? A family of them lives on upper Dorm Row behind the blue dumpster, and their frightening demeanor often prevents me from reaching my dorm in a timely manner.
Sincerely,
This is Not a Wildlife Park
Dear Wildlife,
It’s common knowledge that the numerous colonies of possessed raccoon families scattered across Pepperdine’s campus are comprised of genetically enhanced killing machines. Pepperdine raccoons possess facial recognition capabilities that render them fully equipped to identify and stalk innocent victims to the brink of terror-induced paralysis.
Unnaturally long, frighteningly sharp whiskers endow Pepperdine raccoons with a mystical sixth sense, a constant awareness and comprehensive knowledge of all students located within a three-mile radius. These unnatural faculties rank Pepperdine raccoons among the top three most dangerous on-campus animals in Malibu, Calif. Don’t ask about the other two.
I must admit I am hardly capable of providing sound advice on the subject of raccoon defense, having caved long ago to the oppressive, ever-present horror imposed by the satanic mammals. Rather than actively defy raccoon presence and risk becoming a high priority target, I often resort to sprinting past blue dumpsters on tiptoe, abandoning school books, Caf boxes and slower friends in desperate flight toward the safety of locked doors. On other occasions I wait silently, concealed in darkness as I retreat from a large trashcan emitting faint scratches. Rather than risk confrontation, I walk the opposite direction until an alternate route is available, sometimes straying up to a mile off course.
As my personal raccoon avoidance strategies seem vaguely impractical, I will now share what eHow.com deems the most effective ways to repel the heinous furry menaces. I’ve selected the techniques that I think might most effectively create lasting change if applied in unilateral, campus-wide extermination efforts.
No. 1: Cayenne Pepper
Who knew that raccoons possess a strong aversion to the scent of cayenne pepper? eHow recommends sprinkling it around the vulnerable patch of yard most often targeted by malicious raccoons. On a campus this expansive, however, who’s to say which areas need pepper the most? It might make more sense to carry a pouch of cayenne pepper in the most accessible pocket of your school bag. At the first sign of raccoon presence you’ll be able to snatch it out of your bag and rub it across your cheeks, arms and any other exposed skin.
No. 2: Install Barbed Wire
Pepperdine loves to fundraise. Why not organize a philanthropy event and donate the proceeds to efforts against raccoon oppression? Coordinate a bake sale, fashion show or singing competition uniting people in the fight to install fences around those trash receptacles which sustain our campus’ pest population, driving the foul beasts back into the wilderness from whence they came.
No. 3: Bear Traps
What better way than to see an entire animal population eliminated from the Pepperdine biosphere than to mount lethal traps across upper and lower dorm rows. The number of small freshman lives lost as our campus adjusts to the new installations will hardly compare to the innumerable benefits of a bloodthirsty species eliminated.
