DAVID KOB
Staff Writer
It snowed this week in my hometown of Philadelphia. By the time Thanksgiving rolls around, the temperature will likely stay below 30 degrees all week. I see myself in a sweatshirt and ski jacket from dawn till dusk. But hey, at least I know what to put on in the morning.
The Santa An winds blow hot air randomly during the winter months through Malibu, making it impossible to discern the actual temperature outside. I wake thinking it is the ice age, then three hours later it is a beach day, and then a couple hours later it is the ice age again.
Campus gets the worst of it. I remember walking into my dorm every night drenched from hurricane sprinklers. My roommate would ask, “Is it raining outside man?” “Yeah,” I would respond, “Sideways.”
Did I mention the fires yet? The Santa An winds have burned more than a million acres in Southern California in the past five years, including areas where students rent apartments in Malibu and Calabasas.
But wait, according to the California Coastal Commission, the Santa An winds are beneficial. They cause cold water to rise from the bottom of the ocean to the top, bringing with it many nutrients that ultimately benefit local fisheries. As the winds blow over the ocean, sea surface temperatures drop about 7 degrees, indicating an upwelling of deep ocean water. Chlorophyll concentrations in the surface water go from negligible, in the absence of winds, to very active at more than 1.5 milligrams per cubic meter in the presence of the winds.
Whoa, that totally changed my opinion of the Santa An winds. More chlorophyll does my body right. That must be why people think the words “Santa An” refer to the Spanish word “Satanás,” meaning “Satan,” because they are so beneficial.
There is only one way to combat the Santa An winds—apathy. If you ignore them, they will eventually get bored and go annoy UCLA students.
If you are walking and the winds blow your hat off, stay calm and casually retrieve it. If you are driving and the winds blow a raccoon into your windshield, head to a car wash. If the winds burn down your house in an uncontrolled brushfire, you can move in with me, just do not let the Santa Anas win.
I am proposing a bill (Proposition 33) to congress that outlines plans to move the Santa An winds into Canada. All it would require is an AK-47 (to create a diversion), a flare gun (to escape from Canadian troops), binoculars (to reflect a laser beam), a fire hose (a hydraulic lift to raise an fallen I-beam), chocolate bars (to create a sealant) and sodium metal (to create an explosive anti-wind torrent).
When the 2008 presidential elections arrive, vote whoever supports Proposition 33. Viva la SoCal.
11-16-2006
