LINDSEY BOERMA
Living Assistant
The world, as you know it, has come to an end. The scenario? You are being forced to endure a period of time without the piece of technology that has become seemingly indispensable to many a college student— the iPod. Maybe the battery has gone dead. Perhaps you’ve misplaced it. Or, maybe you’re just petrified to touch it after the girl who borrowed it to go jogging brought it back drenched in sweat and smelling like a sock. Whatever the case, you’re no doubt desperate for some guidance on how to survive this unspeakable tragedy.
Step One: Revert to the 80s
Unless your residence for the past year has been under a terribly dark rock, you’ve undoubtedly noticed that the 1980s have indeed returned. Leggings, enormous belts and t-shirts bearing such rock icons as Blondie and The Ramones have made their way back into the modern fashion stream. So, why shouldn’t your mode of music match this reverting trend? Back in the 80s, when someone wanted to listen to music, they didn’t clip on a tiny iPod Nano, they donned an enormous Boombox on their shoulder. At least, that’s what the cool kids did. And don’t you want to be a cool kid? Then head to the nearest vintage music store and splurge on the largest, most ostentatious Boombox you can find. The 80s would be proud.
Step Two: Think portable
Worried that your ridiculously sized Boombox won’t cut it while you’re exercising or on the go? Well, you’re right. Who could get anything done with that obnoxious shoulder fixture? Luckily, the 80s have a solution for that, too! Remember the Walkman? Well, you have betrayed the loyal Walkman by turning to all these newfangled music gadgets like the iPod. So, it may take a little begging and pleading, but if you can, get that little portable device back into your life. Complete with a clip, it’s perfect to take along for a workout at the gym.
Step Three: Crank it up
For those of you who are a bit more pretentious and enjoy the concept of bopping along to the beats of a Boombox over a Walkman for the mere reason that it would cause more heads to turn, here’s another workout possibility: Drive your car down to the gym and blast your stereo as loud as you possibly can. Well, OK—that’s kind of obnoxious. Instead, try taking a radio to the gym and sharing your crazy, hip music style with all the other happy little exercisers. Not only will you alleviate yourself of your pitiful iPod grieving, but you’ll also make a gym-full of new friends who appreciate your true musical panache.
Step Four: Compact is key
Not so long ago, compact discs were the music media of the age. Believe it or not, some people (clearly living in caves) still rely on them as their main source of music. So, if ever without an iPod, turn to these people to nurse you in your time of need. Or, better yet, stop mooching off other people and buy some yourself. After all, because of iPods, poor Wal-Mart has suffered such a setback in their CD department that they are practically giving them away.
Step Five: Tune your vocal chords
You know what they say: “Desperate times call for desperate measures.” When all else fails, just sing a catchy ditty to yourself and watch the trend spread. In a nation that labels talking or singing to yourself as a sign of mental instability, you can be the first to step out and shout, “I sing to myself and I’m OK!” Not a trendsetter? No problem. Try grooving to the beats of the music in your head. Don’t be embarrassed—we all hear it too.
02-01-2007