MEREDITH RODRIGUEZ
Assistant Living Editor
Yes they exist, and the faithful know they’re hiding those pots o’gold. Eschew pinching on St. Patrick’s Day, and leave the short-sighted bar-hoppers behind. Instead, dream big, and celebrate this year’s holiday the right way. Catch a leprechaun. Lucky the Leprechaun is their famous cousin, but don’t let his cheery smiles deceive you. Lucky is only an actor for Lucky Charms cereal, and in reality, his cousins are more cunning than racoons these days, roaming our Malibu hills. Your mission will not be easy, but it will be rewarding. You will not only get to add a vital bullet on your resume: “Implemented and succeeded in search of leprechaun,” but the pot of gold he will leave as a bribe to release him will make you wealthier than your suitemate with the BMW. Stop laying your dreams aside. Start planning now, and undertake your mission cautiously, meticulously and creatively.
The Lilly Endowment has $1,999,049 to give to students over five years, and it expires this summer. Now is the time to get a grant. Hurry. You don’t have much time. The endowment is meant to “enable young people to draw upon the resources of religious wisdom as they consider their vocational choices,” therefore an aspiring hunter must prove leprechaun hunting meets the quota. Emphasize that not only will a leprechaun hunt develop skills needed to lead and serve in the future, but leprechauns are often associated with St. Patrick’s Day, a religious holiday. Plus, who can say leprechauns are not a source of religious wisdom? That should cut it for the application. Then just smile big, recite the “seek and ye shall find” verse at the interview, and you’re golden. Remember, you can offer what no other applicant can — a piece of the pie.
This step is vital. No man is an island, and a leprachaun-catcher is only as great as his team. Think of yourself as Tom Cruise in “Mission Impossible,” then make your recruiting rounds through the halls. You’ll want a couple of freshmen for their enthusiasm, a couple of geeks for their knowledge, and a couple of freaks for their unswerving devotion to your mission. When the faithless laugh in your face at your offer to make them rich, don’t be discouraged. Just pity their short-sightedness and move on to their roommates. They’ll regret it when you’re a millionaire. Go ahead, practice saying it: “Who’s laughing now, buddy?”
With the money the endowment committee will undoubtedly give you, buy whatever tools you need: binoculars, night-goggles, walkie-talkies, laser-guns, lightsabers, camouflauge outfits, blue books and the type of food austrounauts eat in space. However, your most vital resource will also be your cheapest: the leprechaun trap. For it, you will only need the supplies your school graciously gives you daily. First, go to the Café to buy some Lucky Charms for bait. Then gather toilet paper, toilet paper rolls, trash bags and your roommate’s old shoe to build your trap. Leprechauns are said to be cobblers, so the shoe is your best lure. You may want to break into an art room on the third floor of the CAC to find some green paint. You’ll need multiple traps to scatter around campus, so begin gathering resources today.
A hunter needs more than skill to catch these mischievous creatures. You’ll need the luck of the Irish. Once you gather your stellar crew, give each other Irish names. It’s the only way. If you’re already Irish, with a name like McLaury or O’Malley, then you’re ahead of the game. If you have an unfortunate last name like Jones, however, you’re going to become an O’Jones or McJones, whichever you prefer. This may seem like a simple and meaningless step, but you’d be a fool to overlook it. Remember, Jesus re-named his disciples, and St. Patrick changed his name when he became a priest. Also, wear green on the big day. This is not to prevent pinches (the common man is the least of your worries), but because you’ll need to blend into the undergrowth as you roll, duck, jump and pounce through Pepperdine’s pasteurs. When you catch the leprechaun, keep your eyes on him. Legend says if you take your eyes of him for even a second, he will dissappear. Happy hunting, and when you get your money, remember the Pepperdine motto: “Freely ye received. Freely give.”
03-16-2006
