LINDSEY BOERMA
Living Assistant
Pepperdine’s seemingly endless stairs can dampen anyone’s day. After a gruesome workout at the Firestone Fieldhouse, students face the greatest workout of all: climbing the dreaded staircase. Even students merely having to get to class in the CCB are confronted with the laborious task of making it up the stairs without their sweat bullets becoming a permanent accessory to their clothing. Wouldn’t it be nice to just avoid those dreadful stairs altogether? Well, have no fear—solutions are here!
Step One: Hail a Shuttle
To anyone who complains about climbing the stairs, let me ask you a question: Have you ever heard of the shuttle? Yes, that’s right—the large, air-conditioned transportation machine that drives up and down the hills full of happy students who are pointing and laughing at disgruntled students like you who are collapsing on the stairs. Well, in case you haven’t seen that nifty contraption, allow me to fill you in. There are shuttle stops virtually everywhere on campus, and the shuttles run by each stop every 15 minutes. Sure, while you’re waiting you may have to go through the awkwardness of lingering with other students who have discovered the glory that is the shuttle, and perhaps you’ll even have to sit by someone you don’t know (gasp!). But when it comes down to it, it’s better to sit by the sweaty, smelly kid for several minutes than to be the sweaty kid walking up those stairs.
Step Two: Meet George Jetson
If the shuttle just isn’t your style, then here’s another sure fire way to make living on a mountain oh-so-much easier. Model yourself after one of the greatest American families of all time: the Jetsons. George Jetson and his family knew the right way to get around: jetpacks. Who says you can’t jet up the mountain to get to class? Or, if you want to go an old-fashioned route, think hot-air balloons or those ridiculous but adorable little helicopter hats. Come on people, this is the 21st century. There are all kinds of resources at your access. You just have to think outside the box.
Step Three: Befriend the birds
OK, OK. So even in this day and age, jetpacks are hard to come by. But in this hour of need, let’s not forget the mode of transportation that has stuck by us for the past 100 years: the car. If you don’t happen to have a car at school, one of your friends is bound to. After all, what are friends for if not to mooch off of them? And once you have that beautiful, shiny set of keys in your hand, sit back and enjoy the ride— those stairs will never see the likes of you again.
Step Four: Scale the mountain
Still not able to completely avoid the staircases of doom? Then it’s time to go shopping. Your list includes boots, a harness and about 200 feet of rope. That’s right, you’re going mountain climbing. I know what you’re thinking: “Wouldn’t climbing a mountain take a lot more effort than using the stairs?” Well, put simply, yes. That’s why I’m here to suggest another way.
Instead of literally climbing the mountain, just walk up the hill. Wind around campus until you end up where you want to be. While you won’t get to wear the cool mountain-climbing gear, you will at least have accomplished your ultimate goal—to avoid those heinous stairs.
Step Five: Join a convent
When all else fails, become a nun. Don that black and white and you’ll be able to flutter up the mountain just like Sally Field in “The Flying Nun.” Why could she fly, you ask? Well, no one seems to know. But you can bet that she never had to deal with massive flights of stairs to get to her classes. So find that devoutness deep inside of you, join the nearest convent and you’ll be set to go.
01-25-2007