KELSEY MAYS
Living Editor
The Man — that supreme evildoer responsible for singed toast, traffic jams and income tax — is alive and well. In fact, he’s found himself a wife, a twisted woman just as nefarious as he. You hear her these days at the end of cell-phone voicemail greetings when, mildly disgruntled that your intended receiver is not available, you just want to leave a message as soon as possible.
But after hearing your responder apologize for his or her absence and suggest that you leave a message, the Woman proceeds to unleash 12 seconds of vocal fury.
She tells you that if you want to page the person, you ought to immediately press five on your phone. She’s just getting started, mind you, because then she goes on to say that you may leave a message after the tone.
The tone? What tone? There’s no tone yet because she’s not finished. She pauses, savoring this final blow, and then proceeds to tell you that when you are finished with the message, you may hang up or press another button for a second helping of her bilge.
If you make two such calls every day, you will spend 146 minutes each year listening to the Woman. You could have visited a Picasso exhibit or learned a chip shot during that time. Sadly, there will be no such artistic enrichment or golf talent next spring.
It is time to declare war on the Woman before she goes beyond the realm of cell phone recordings. It will be a bitter struggle, but with these five tactical pointers, you may one day achieve victory.
STEP ONE: Press any number
In your initial skirmish, the beep means victory. It signals your ability to finally leave a message, but it’s buried behind both the voicemail greeting and the Woman’s 12-second tirade. But here’s the catch: Many instructional messages allow callers to press a number to bypass the Woman and sometimes even the phone owner’s voicemail greeting. Start by pressing one as soon as you hear the message, and work your way up from there. If luck prevails, you may win a few easy victories. Many systems do not have a bypass number, though, so watch out. If it does not recognize your input, or if that specific number corresponds to a different menu choice, she will try to lure you into an ever-darkening abyss of push-button menus. Don’t negotiate by pressing more numbers. Retreat from the battlefield (i.e., hang up) and fight another day.
STEP TWO: Don’t get discouraged
It will take a few tries to determine the magic number. Some systems don’t actually have one, so make note of them. Your friends may get annoyed at your proclivity for leaving call-back numbers and other accidental menu-activated features rather than an actual voicemail, but stay the course. Don’t let these temporary failures cause you to give up.
STEP THREE: Keep track of voicemail and voice types
Winning isolated battles by skipping to the beep is good, but a cohesive strategy for total victory is better. Your best weapon is an Excel spreadsheet, but a pen and paper will also do. Over time, you must develop an intuition for which instructional recordings have a bypass number and which ones do not. Make a list of people in your address book whose phones have them, and which numbers to press in those instances.
Specific systems often have the same bypass numbers, no matter whose phone they are on. Over time, you’ll pick up certain cues — perhaps a specific word or lilt in the Woman’s tone — that indicate a system you’ve worked with before. Make a list of those as well, so you can hit the bypass number at the first sign.
STEP FOUR: Text Message
Do you have something that can be briefly stated? Consider sticking it to the Woman all together by sending text messages instead of voicemails. It might be a bit more tedious, but you won’t have to hear a single word from her.
STEP FIVE: Those who harbor the woman are no better
Are the cell phone companies who harbor the Woman with you or against you? Certainly the latter. You must campaign vigorously against them by writing letters, making phone calls and sending e-mails that protest the Woman’s presence. They should know that if they allow her sanctuary, they are no better than her.
Remain steadfast in your courage, and perhaps one day in the distant future, the world will have Woman-free cell phone messages. When that time comes, never forget the moment this epic conflict began.
11-10-2005
