Graphic courtesy of Monica Avila
Maybe because of Halloween, or maybe because of a lack of sleep, this week we at the Graphic were feeling particularly clairvoyant. We were struck by the truth during a 30-second vision quest on the sands of Point Dume. Though no tea leaves were read in the process of this prediction, you can be certain that there is a 15 percent chance that it is 100 percent accurate.
Scorpio: Now’s a good time to start your career as a super villain. To be honest, it’s always been a good time, but now more so than ever.
Sagittarius: This is a good week to avoid the Caf. We sense that the moon is entering your horizon in such a way that your ex-boyfriend’s best friend’s sorority sister is eating lunch with your roommate’s lab partner’s HUM prof. You do not want to be caught in that awkward situation.
Capricorn: Try a new hairdo! Sassy Venus is aligning in your northern hemisphere, and you’re feeling fire! No one may notice the change, but formal is coming, and it’s time to bring your “A” game.
Aquarius: Don’t even bother trying this week. The sun may be out, but you shouldn’t be.
Pisces: Neptune is aligning in such a way with Orion that you’re really considering the existential truths of life. As symbolized by the fish Pisces, maybe this is the week to reconsider your Hisshou Sushi addiction.
Aries: This time of year is a little scary for you, but remember, those without diagnosable phobias or chronic fears have no real reason to be afraid of clowns.
Taurus: We know that you didn’t ask to be part of this narrative, but you’re in it anyways. Good luck.
Gemini: Where’s your long lost twin sister? The sun is setting on the horizon of the fifth star on the right straight on till morning. Now is the ideal time to have that Parent Trap moment of your dreams and go find her!
Cancer: Now is a time for letting go. Emotional simplicity should be your new post-post-ironic attitude. It should also be the name of Kylie Jenner’s new lipstick color, but I digress.
Leo: You’re going to have a killer week. Aries is so far away from your morning horizon that luck is on your side! Buying a lotto ticket is the only reasonable response.
Virgo: Virgin baby girl, winter isn’t coming to Malibu. Don’t forget to protect that virgin skin and wear sunscreen outside. #saveskinformarriage
Libra: The scales are set and the verdict’s in. You’ll have a completely normal week. Maybe you’ll remember it, but let’s be honest, you won’t tell your kids about it.
We hope that this horoscope was informative and will help you make educated decisions this week.
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