Pisces: See if you can walk on water this week. Jesus did it –– so can you!
Aries: Jack Nicholson was an Aries in the last half of “The Shining.”
Taurus: Your fashion sense is pretty eclectic, erratic and bizarre. No offense.
Gemini: Get a haircut for heaven’s sake.
Cancer: Cancers tend to make up words when describing complex concepts. On an unrelated note, Sarah Palin is a Cancer.
LEO: Embrace your inner lion or lioness. Rawr.
Virgo: Forget jealousy this week. Give envy a chance.
Scorpio: Start looking for skeletons buried beneath parking lots. There are English kings under some. This is just one path to fortune and fame.
Sagittarius: Get the Sorcerer’s Stone from Harry, break it into a bazillion little pieces, sell the pieces in rings and bracelets, and capitalize on the whole eternal life thing. That is just another path to fortune and fame.
Capricorn: You are conservative and never take risks. Essentially, you are dull.
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