JANE LEE
Sports Editor
Hello, my name is Jane, and I like food. A lot. I’m your meat and potatoes gal, definitely not the type that’s just going to order a salad for dinner at a restaurant. Don’t get me wrong, Caesar salads are one of my favorites, but there better be a meal following it.
And when the waiter comes back to ask about the dessert menu, there’s a good chance I’ll be taking that raspberry cheesecake.
Oh, and on the way out, a couple free mints, anyone? Yes, please.
You see, eating is just something I love. It’s right up there with watching sports on my Julie Andrews-esque list of “my favorite things.” (Don’t worry, I also happen to like exercising.)
Eating and watching sports. Watching sports and eating. Heck, you can even do both at the same time.
Back in the day, however, someone thought it to be a good idea to make eating and sports one in the same. Welcome to the not-so-wonderful world of competitive eating, where stomachs are abused and hotdogs are consumed as if Nathan’s Hotdogs was going out of business.
Sorry, but I can’t say I’m a big fan of the whole “eating unimaginable quantities of almost anything” a sport.
People like Takeru Kobayashi would tend to disagree. This 140-pound Japanese man recently ate 53 and 3/4 hotdogs in just 12 minutes to win his sixth-straight World Hotdog Eating Championship title. No need to grab for your calculator. That’s more than one hotdog every 15 seconds.
For his efforts, Kobayashi was awarded a trophy, the championship belt and — you got it, a year’s supply of hotdogs. Mmm, just what he needs.
Had enough? Didn’t think so. Ready, set, hold your stomachs.
Kobayashi has also eaten 17.7 pounds of cow brains in 15 minutes. Oleg Zhornitskiy once ate 128 ounces of mayonnaise in eight minutes. Crazy Legs Conti ate 168 oysters in 10 minutes. Jed Donahue ate 152 jalapenos in 15 minutes. Ken Edwards ate 24 live cockroaches in one minute. Dustin Phillips drank 14 ounces of ketchup through a straw in 33 seconds. Bill Simmons ate 137 chicken wings in 30 minutes. Don Lerman ate seven quarter-pound sticks of butter in five minutes. And Yours Truly ate two white powdered doughnuts in three minutes in the sixth grade. Where’s my year-long supply of Hostess doughnuts?
Maybe I need to contact the big guys at the International Federation of Competitive Eating (IFOCE). And no, I’m not making that up. It really does exist.
The IFOCE, which laughably urges responsibility by maintaining that competitive eating is only suitable for those 18 years of age or older, argues that this wannabe sport dates back to the beginning of history.
After all, as they say on their Web site, “If you have 30 hungry Neanderthals in a cave and a rabbit walks in, that is a competitive eating situation.”
As Michelle in Full House would say, “Oh, puhhleasse!”
But despite the “eating is not a sport” chants, it seems as if the IFOCE and its members are here to stay. Even my good friends over at ESPN gave in. This summer, they covered not only the now-historic July 4th Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating contest, but also minor competitions in the Alka-Seltzer U.S. Open of Competitive Eating.
Even FOX, home to shows like “American Idol” and “The OC,” used to air “The Glutton Bowl,” a series of eight eating events that included hotdogs and beef tongue which claimed its winner as “The Greatest Athlete in the World.” Excuse me, the greatest what in the world?
Before we know it, they’ll be making plans for a National Competitive Eating Hall of Fame. Instead of looking at record home run balls in Cooperstown or admiring the jerseys of football legends in Canton, people will soon be walking around butter stick wrappers enclosed in glass cases.
Call this whole craze whatever you want, but it is simply not a sport. And for your sake (and your roommate’s and your toilet’s), please don’t try this competitive eating thing at home.
The end. Check, please.
09-07-2006