Daniel Johnson
Art Editor
Last week I told everyone how I felt about the environment. I am all for the environment. but while few people wish for the wholesale destruction of nature, how many go out of their way to save the environment? Truthfully, it is hard to take the environment into account when there is still television worth viewing. Ultimately, it is the inherent laziness society that threatens nature.
So how can both the environment and laziness work together in harmony? Together with a group of my fellow constituents, I have developed a game plan for all “lazy environmentalists.” What is the proper way to dispose of your chewing gum? Many people believe that to properly dispose of gum, one must enfold the chewed gum in the shiny aluminum paper in which it was originally wrapped. This is a common misconception. When you dispose of your chewing gum you should spit it out the window of your vehicle. The reasoning behind this theory is that the friction of cars driving over the gum wears it away and repaves the road rather than the gum sitting in a landfill.
Studies have shown that, in optimum conditions, it can take weeks for a Kleenex or a piece of fruit to completely decompose. Even worse, coming in at five years decomposition time, are cigarette filters. Finally, coming in just before diamonds and concrete, gum takes approximately 15 years to decompose — sometimes more depending upon the material in which the gum is wrapped. For example, if your wrap your gum in lead it will take significantly longer to biodegrade.
Throwing gum out the window on the freeway is clearly the proper way to dispose of gum. And it’s easy. Remember those 15 years to decompose? Studies show that due to the friction of the tires gripping and ripping at the gum tear it to pieces flaking it away in as little as three days, depending upon traffic (note: by studies I mean that I put pieces of gum on PCH and couldn’t find them when I looked again). So do you remember that figure that I told you? Fifteen years versus three days. The answer is clear.
Now I understand that the decision concerns more than the environment. This method also is successful in many other ways. It is easy — just a flick of the wrist and the gum is gone (note: one should roll down their window before attempting this “flick of the wrist”). It’s fast — there is no hassle with stickiness and finding a trash can. And, most importantly, it empowers you to know that you are helping the environment as a good American would. So keep your chin high America, because the “Lazy Environmentalist Coalition of Malibu” is on your side!
The public relations people at Wrigley’s gum told me that this is a rumor and that the proper way to dispose of gum is to throw it in the trash can. But I have never trusted large corporations. The policeman who pulled me over for putting this theory into practice was as skeptical as Wrigley’s gum. But he listened to my detailed account of my theory on gum disposal. If you could imagine me trying to explain why stuff flying out my window was not littering to a highway patrolman you can see how committed I am to the environment. Although he didn’t seem to believe that it was a good idea, he did not write me a ticket. So I can only deduce that California’s Police and Highway Patrol are all for this new environmental craze.
So, as an avid gum chewer, I bid you please care for our environment. Join the Lazy Environmentalist Coalition of Malibu, California Law Enforcement and myself in a campaign to save the earth as well as our scenic California highways from the gross misuse of gum disposal which is plaguing our society.
1-20-2005