A Modest Proposal
Daniel Johnson
Art Editor
The story begins way back before people started paying attention to what year it was. This is just about the time when man discovers that Mastodons taste good and that pointy rocks are very effective when thrown at the enemy tribe three caves down. Back then women were attracted to the men with the biggest club. They looked for power and strength in a mate. This is completely logical, but what I don’t understand is that they continue these same methods of selection in our modern world.
So why do women insist on falling in love with the rough manly characters? Evolution dictates that women are attracted to the strong and virile because they assure protection from wild beasts and rampaging hordes. But it has been a long time since women needed to worry about barbarians and wooly mammoths.
Today’s modern man needs a modern way to distinguish himself from other potential suitors. Men used to distinguish themselves in war — expending testosterone to conquer the enemy but also to impress women. Women today cannot expect us to butt heads like horny mountain goats or march to the front lines.
The modern equivalent of going to war has transferred over to sports. The football relationship is simply a throwback to times of old when women dreamed of dating the war hero. What does this relationship accomplish in today’s society of technology? We know from countless interviews on ESPN that very few football players can program a VCR much less setup online billpay for your debit/money market account. So this phenomenon is nothing more than women being stuck in the past.
So I propose that women make the evolutionary jump and become attracted to the gentlemen of technological prowess. Women don’t need someone who can kill an army of Philistines with the skull of an ass, they need someone who can save their Microsoft Word document from certain doom. Bow hunting skills and nunchuck skills are skills of the past. So why are women stuck in the Stone Age when it comes to men?
My answer is that it is their nature. But today women are becoming increasingly sentient. In this day, I believe that women can consciously make the evolutionary jump from barbarian to librarian. The new important factor in finding a mate should be his processor speed and his performance on the virtual battlefield.
Now the litmus test for heroism in battle should become the video game. Men use video games to fill their testosterone pumping bodies with bloodlust and fulfill their dreams of combat. Video games have replaced warfare in the minds of men. Why can’t the same transition be made with women? Women once fawned over those who emerged as heroes from military campaigns, but now they could look at video gamers with the same lust and passion.
“Oh, you have achieved a level 14 Necromancer and I have never been more turned on!”
We might be a little ways away before women truly realize how important video games are, but until then keep those skills up. But if there are avant-garde women out there who find Nintendo savvy and an intimate knowledge of hard drives sexually attractive feel free to contact me.
As I mentioned before, this transition is an evolutionary inevitability, but sometimes nature needs a little jumpstart. So I urge women to think progressively and date yourselves a real dork because if you wait too long everyone will be snatched up and all you will be left with is the captain of the football team.
09-30-2004