By James Riswick
News Editor
Last week, a massive 8.2-level earthquake struck Japan. Luckily, the carnage usually associated with such disasters on the densely populated nation was avoided with only one death. One would think reporting these facts would be enough, but in great local news fashion, NBC 4 decided to spin it locally. “Will the earthquake in Japan affect the Southland?” they asked as they actually showed the waves at Topanga Beach to see if some massive tsunami was storming toward us.
In the spirit of such ridiculous reporting, here’s a run down of how the next global crisis may be covered.
Local News
Live, local, late breaking. Tragedy struck today as the nation of Iceland sunk into the Atlantic Ocean. Reports say that most of the nation’s 280,000 people have perished in what is being called a great geological disaster. According to the Scandinavian Geologic and Volcanic Institute, the continental divide that splits the Atlantic Ocean in two suddenly split open, enveloping the large North Atlantic island.
But can this tragedy happen here in Southern California? Well, some scientists are saying yes and that it could only be a matter of time.
Although not located anywhere near Iceland nor volcanic activity, scientists in Pasadena say there’s a 99.9999997 percent chance that Los Angeles will never sink into the Pacific Ocean. They are positive though, that it will never sink into the Atlantic. But that doesn’t mean that Californians aren’t desperately scared for their lives.
“Yeah, if it can happen in that place with those people, it could happen to us,” said mother of three Mildred LaRue of Santa Monica. “Because of your newscast, I’m packing up the kids and moving to somewhere safer inland, like Compton.”
Fox News
Here’s a fair and balanced look at today’s Iceland tragedy. Although we haven’t bothered to check, we think Iceland is located somewhere in the Baltic Ocean and was definitely a cold place.
We are joined by geologist and volcanologist Dr. Hans Jurgenson to discuss just what happened today. Tell us doctor, isn’t it true that Iceland’s liberal, socialist government was a leading cause of its sinking into the sea?
“You know, I really don’t see how that has anything to do with this.”
Oh come on now you Communist. We’re just trying to get the facts straight here, and you are clearly lying about the implications of a liberal government on geological disasters. We’ll be right back with Sen. Orrin Hatch talking about how a conservative government could have prevented this disaster.
ESPN SportsCenter
Da na na, da na na. Iceland got shellacked today as the Atlantic showed those Scandinavian blondies who the real deal is. We take you to early in the carnage, when a gigantic tidal wave came crashing onto the coast and then, boo-yeah, Reykjavik could … go … all … the … way! Later on, Icelanders ran for their lives from an erupting volcano. Say hallo to ma lil friend! Atlantic 1, Iceland 0.
Snoop Dogg
Yo whaz up dawg. Icelizzle got dunked into da Atlizzle today, know what I’m sayin’? As time go on, mo’ and mo’ people be like “yo dawg, dat whack.” When Snoop Dogg went to Icelizzle, I wuz like, “this be bomb diggity. This off the hizzle fashizzle dizzle.” Now they all dead.
Graphic
In this week’s special “Iceland sinks” issue, News will tell the story of Pepperdine’s lone Icelandic student, Bjorn Sørensen. Arts & Entertainment will have a review of the newest Bjork album and Sports will feature the ancient Icelandic sport of ice spelunking. Living’s recipe of the week will be Icelandic reindeer hoof soufflé. Finally, this week’s Perspectives’ Pro and Con will be “Should we support catastrophic geological disasters?”
Britney Spears
If it was a land made of ice, how come it, like, sunked? When I order my vodka on the rocks, I mean Pepsi, the ice always floats. I don’t get it.
Please note: Iceland did not in fact sink, but there is a 99.9999997 percent chance it could.
October 02, 2003