LINDSEY BOERMA
Living Assistant
For many college students, long-distance relationships can prove to be nearly impossible feats. And, with Valentine’s Day just around the corner, the prospect of being away from a significant other will undoubtedly make the situation ever more daunting.
Yet, despite the endless problems faced by those who do attempt to keep the flame alive from miles apart, there are many Pepperdine students who do exactly that.
Junior Nicole Bourgette has been fighting the difficulties of long-distance relationships since her boyfriend went to college when she was a senior in high school in Hawaii.
While he attends school in Washington, D.C., they still manage to keep their relationship going.
“Communicating well is definitely the most important thing in a long-distance relationship,” Bourgette said. “If you’re feeling like something’s wrong or the relationship is one-sided, you have to let the other person know and talk it out. That’s the important thing because you don’t have the opportunity to look into their eyes and know how they’re feeling.”
Freshman Greg Lee also made the decision to continue his relationship with his girlfriend, a senior in high school in Albuquerque, N.M.
Like Bourgette, Lee said the most effective way of making a long-distance relationship work is by communicating.
“Any time my girlfriend and I have problems or are completely happy, it derives from communication,” Lee said. “It’s an issue of trust. The only access you have to each other is through talking, and if you’re not honest, you’re going to have problems.”
Heidi Gunderson, a staff therapist in the Pepperdine Counseling Center, said that problems in long-distance relationships can often be avoided through an effective communication plan.
“Communication is very different in long-distance relationships because it’s harder for a person to deal with the stress of not having that face-to-face contact,” Gunderson said. “The best coping mechanism is to have a scheduled phone time, so that both people can have the security of knowing that they can communicate at that set time.”
Yet, in an imperfect world that often lacks sufficient communication, not all long-distance relationships are destined to have a happy ending.
Some students, such as freshman Brian Jack, take a different approach. Jack accepted that a long-distance relationship would not work for him and ended it.
“I broke up with my girlfriend before I came to Pepperdine,” Jack said. “We were going to be 3,000 miles away from each other, and it was definitely good to have that separation so that I could meet other people.”
This desire to meet other people is what many students say is the main problem facing students who attempt long-distance relationships in college.
“Most people in relationships have grown up with each other,” Jack said. “College brings new people and a new environment which can certainly alter a relationship.”
Lee agreed that the college experience adds another aspect to the dating spectrum. He said that long-distance relationships often fail because of a lack of common ground.
“It’s hard to share something with someone when you’re both living in two different worlds,” he said. “You’re going through different experiences, and it’s hard for some people to maintain a relationship that way.”
Bourgette said she believes that for some students, the sacrifice that comes with a long-distance relationship in college proves to be enough to discourage couples from persevering.
“In college, you want to do things and have a good time with friends,” she said. “With a long-distance relationship, you have to be
willing to give some of that up. Coming into college, a lot of people aren’t mature enough for that.”
Regardless of what specific problems long-distance couples face, however, it is certain that there are a number of relationships that fail because of them.
Freshman Amanda Long recently broke off a long-distance relationship because of communication issues that arose from the couple being far apart.
“There are lots of reasons that long-distance relationships don’t work out,” Long said. “Most people are either in love and don’t want to let go, or they’re scared of change and want to be with somebody, and they just like the comfort of having someone back home.
“In college it’s harder because there are lots of distractions and you’re not able to see each other,” she said. “Both of you have to be in the same mindset for it to work.”
However, most students agree that in spite of the various drawbacks to long-distance relationships, actually maintaining one is impossible for some couples.
“If you really want it to work, it will no matter what,” Long said. “You just have to designate a time to talk every day, both be really open, continually know each other and visit a lot.”
Jack agreed that a long-distance relationship is indeed possible if a couple is willing to persist with the ever-present solution of communication.
“It’s definitely possible for a long-distance relationship to work out as long as there is a lot of calling on a routine schedule and a strong sense of commitment to maintain the relationship,” he said.
Another aspect to consider regarding the effectiveness of long-distance dating is the beneficial side of it. Lee suggests that couples can actually improve their relationships by being apart.
“When you know you have something with someone, it’s pointless to throw it away just because you would be far away,” Lee said. “I actually think that long-distance relationships are a good test to see if what you’ve got is the real thing.”
Whether or not long-distance relationships can succeed in the long run, however, will probably not have an affect on the amount of people who are at least willing to try.
“When students go off to college, a lot of changes take place, and one of those changes is peer relationships” Gunderson said. “Relationships are a part of who we are as a person and honoring a relationship even from far away teaches us something about ourselves.”
02-08-2007