Gabe’s Gab
Gabe Durham
Staff Writer
Good news, everyone. Author Geraldine McCaughrean, known for retelling classic stories such as “The Canterbury Tales” and “Beowulf” for children, has been chosen to pen the official sequel to “Peter Pan.” Official! It looks like the concept of the hot summer sequel is branching out into books, which is a pretty dangerous enterprise. I fear that someday I’ll find a copy of “Catcher in the Rye 2: Holden and the Wand of Mysteries” on my son’s bookshelf.
You know, I was in a winning Songfest group that performed its own rendition of “Peter Pan.”
I’m not going to pretend that Songfest isn’t constantly on the forefront of my mind. Since this year’s show started, it’s been difficult for me to remember that there is, in fact, a musical world outside of Michael Jackson’s epic hit, “Jam,” after running through it so many times.
Now I’m sure you’re aware that winning is everything. There’s immense pressure from all sides. Just yesterday, my mom told me to come home with a trophy or not at all. But you may not be aware of how easy winning Songfest actually is.
How to win at Songfest:
l Your song selection should be composed only of Top 40 hits of the past decade. Sorry Grandma, but no oldies in this show.
l Make as many pop culture references as possible. In 12 minutes, our show has eight references to “Napoleon Dynamite” and seven references to Donald Trump. Example:
Cowboy No. 1: You’re just jealous because I’ve been talking to babes on the Internet all day.
Spaceman No. 4: You’re fired! (Pause for uproarious laughter.)
l Make your dance moves as difficult as possible, but expect no less than perfection from your group.
l Wear revealing costumes. These judges want to see some skin just like anyone else, and it’s your job to deliver.
l Go with a plot that the audience is already familiar with. This year, our group’s performance is loosely based on the plot of the film, “Pearl Harbor.”
l Have modern art set design. You have a problem if anyone can understand your set. This is your art, here… It’s not to be understood, it’s to be appreciated.
l Bribe the judges. Of course they’ll accept. These Malibu locals are in the entertainment industry. You think they got where they are ethically? Usually $100 each is a good, round number.
l Sabotage the other groups. They’d do it to you if they got the chance, so it must be OK. Just make sure that your form of sabotage doesn’t make their modern art set look even more daring.
l My motto: If everyone is enjoying themselves, they aren’t working hard enough.
See how easy it is? With a plan like that, all the groups will be winners. But, more specifically, my group will be the winner. Ghkkkkket for life.
Who knows, maybe this year our show will be such a hit that the public will demand we take it to Broadway. Then, 100 years from now, someone will write an official sequel.
03-17-2005
