Childish. Foolish. Silly. Laughable.
These words just about sum up the feelings of the intelligent moviegoer after viewing the atrocity committed against cinema that is “The Three Musketeers.”
The screenwriters Alex Litvak and Andrew Davies must have missed the writing class that showed them how to properly translate a beloved novel onto the big screen, because the script is lacking. In fact, director Paul W.S. Anderson probably missed quite a few days of film school himself, judging by the floundering cacophony of idiocy that he most unfortunately brings to life in this bumbling tale of three rogue musketeers and an insufferably cheesy son of a former musketeer.
The story follows the hotheaded son of a poor former musketeer named D’Artagnan (Logan Lerman) as he joins up with three rogue and “obsolete” musketeers in a quest to foil a plot by the evil Cardinal Richelieu (Christoph Waltz).
Cardinal Richelieu wishes to seize power from young and ridiculously fashion-conscious king of France, Louis the whatever. The musketeers are sent to retrieve a set of diamonds that the cardinal has sent to the duke of Buckingham’s personal vault in order to stage an imaginary affair between him and the queen of France.
Yes, the plot is as cliché and ill-conceived as every line in the movie. Normally a film, even a bad one, has some redeeming factors, but the viewer will certainly struggle to find one. Though the film means to be completely cheesy, it still doesn’t make the cheese any more appealing, and a viewer can only take so much of it before they are looking for the nearest set of earplugs.
It often happens that films with subpar scripts would somewhat make up for it with special effects and charm, but not “The Three Musketeers.” The film attempts to give a “Sherlock Holmes” feel, with its use of slow-motion action scenes and overall lighting, but it fails to deliver. Even when it seems like the film’s script is out of the slums, horribly cheesy jokes that leave viewers shaking their heads in disappointment will pop up in the dialogue and send the film back to its original horrendousness.
The film is laughable from the moment the three main musketeers are introduced until the very end of the film, which doesn’t come nearly soon enough. Each character in the film is as unbelievable and ridiculous as the last. The only two remotely worth listening to are Cardinal Richelieu and the queen of France.
The only reason Richelieu is able to offer some relief from the buffoonery of the rest of cast is because he is played by Cristoph Waltz, who brings the same cunning and deranged air to the character that he brought to the head of the Nazi secret police in “Inglorious Bastards.”
Waltz does what he can with what he is given, but even Meryl Streep couldn’t make a script as idiotic as this one work. Another big name in the film is Orlando Bloom, who is maddeningly idiotic as the Duke of Buckingham. Everything from his slimy demeanor to his greasy hair to his horrible outfits makes him a laughable villain that couldn’t scare a 5-year-old.
“The Three Musketeers” offers a plethora of ill-conceived stunts and stupid lines, but what really take the horrible-tasting cake are the airships. A cross between a blimp and an 18th century ship, this contraption looks moronic, not menacing. Even the giant French one manned by the cardinal’s villainous guard looks more like something one would find in a children’s Lego set.
All things considered, “The Three Musketeers” is one of, if not the worst film to hit theaters this year. The film is worse than some straight-to-DVD movies. Its pathetically dimwitted script and plot are in stark contrast with the quick wit and intelligence of “Sherlock Holmes,” which it tries so hard to imitate. The actors’ performances are completely overlooked because the script is so dismal. In short, “The Three Musketeers” is more likely to diminish your intelligence rather than entertain you.
