Ryan Breedyk
& Noah Godwin
Contributing Writer
& Assistant Sports Editor
Ostensibly we should be writing this under the auspices of intellectual dialogue, but we’re not.
In true Thanksgiving fashion, the White Man (Ryan) and the Injun (Noah) have come together to provide you a feast of topics, usually discussed in private, but we’re bringing them front and center. Well, even though this is on the back page.
The sensational piece of gossip from which this column is sprouting into the “Peppervine” is the revelation that Britney Spears has enrolled at Pepperdine.
White Man (WM) Ryan: If ever there was anything that could propel us back into the Top 50, this is it. Imagine the increase in male applicants this is going to create, not to mention the droves of students now adding second and third majors just to hang around.
Injun (I) Noah: Forget business and telecom, we are going to try chemistry and philosophy. We should fail those long enough to keep us here.
WM: Females will flock here as well in hopes of receiving a bid from Britney’s sorority. What, you thought she wouldn’t rush?
I: No, the only question will be, which Britney will we get? Do we get the Britney of 1997, who is certain to go Pi Phi? The uber-fab Kappa Britney from the peak of her career? Or the latest appeal-to-the-older-crowd Theta Britney who has recently emerged?
WM: The Britney story is just the latest rumor to explode at Pepperdine. I’m sure you know that Josh Hartnett, and Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen almost went here.
I: But did you hear that Nicole Kidman is actually enrolled? And the Barbra Streisand rumor was undoubtedly the first taste of celebrity gossip we all received during New Student Orientation. I still don’t know if it’s really Barbra who that keeps Pepperdine from lighting the Theme Tower at night.
WM: Did you hear the one about that new weight room we were supposed to get five years ago?
I: Yeah, but I bet you didn’t know the Pepperdine house in Heidelberg was a Nazi interrogation hall and that Hitler’s best friend, Albert Speer, lived down the street.
WM: Sure I did, but I bet you didn’t know that the Caf uses yesterday’s taco meat to make today’s sloppy joes.
I: Everybody knows that one.
WM: But did you hear the one about Ryan Breedyk being a stud?
I: Of course I … Wait a minute. You started that one about yourself, didn’t you?
WM: Moving on. Sometimes the gossip actually affects our lives. Rumor has it that the lettuce at the Caf is sprayed with starch so that the anorexic girls don’t starve. That one has backfired because the anorexic girls heard that too and added lettuce to the long list of things they won’t eat.
I: What about the tainted water rumor? Haven’t the water fountains been causing infertility in young college girls for years?
WM: Of course, my native friend. Why do you think the health center doesn’t hand out condoms? There’s just no need to, although it’s not like Pepperdine students have premarital sex or anything.
I: Wait, I thought you said you were a stud?
11-18-2004
