By Kyle Jorrey
Sports Editor
After a year of your understanding, readership and downright goodwill toward my column, I’ve decided to give back.
Seeing as this is my final Graphic column of the year, my conscience is telling me a random act of altruism is in order. After all, some of you out there actually did put down the cell phone long enough to read the thing.
So to the dedicated “Ballin’ ” readers out there, especially those strapped for cash (and I know there’s a lot of you), the following are some can’t miss sports predictions for the future, near and far, that are sure to beat the Vegas line.
Grab your scissors and scotch tape, scoot over that speeding ticket and Tijuana photo, and put this baby up on the fridge.
2004 — The Los Angeles Lakers knock off the Sacramento Kings (again) in the Western Conference semi-finals on route to their sixth straight NBA title over some other team from the East; Kobe scores 50 points a game — gets elected mayor of Los Angeles. Shaquille O’Neal retires to start a career as sheriff of Sacramento County. His first agenda matter is busting all those in favor of “Hack a Shaq” and citing Vlade Divac for smoking in Arco Arena bathrooms.
2005 — The National Hockey League, dedicated to its program of expansion, opens franchises in Boise, Idaho and Abilene, Kan., while fans continue to struggle to figure out exactly where the Blue Jackets and Predators play. With audience numbers now just below reruns of “Perfect Strangers,” officials decide to replace players with models and replace ice with velvet carpeting and multi-colored strobe lights.
2010 — Sammy Bonds McGwire Jr. becomes the seventh man to break the single season homerun record in eight years, winning the title by hitting 109 longballs. Said the 6’5,” 280 pound first baseman, “ I did it with hard work and the love of God.”
A year later, after years of steroid and uppers abuse, the homerun champ’s heart explodes during a sit down with a 25-piece plate of Hooters Wings.
2015 — Boxing fans pay $50 to go one round with a 49-year-old “I Need Iron in My Diet” Mike Tyson. Turns out to be the biggest money-maker in the sports’ history. Don King awakens from a four-year coma to collect his paycheck.
2020 — Lakers announce the cost of a season-ticket is now officially one human life. Droves of Californians rush to old folks’ homes to run Grandpa out for “ice cream.”
2050 — Boston Red Sox win first World Series in franchise history. Thousands of longtime fans simply walk themselves into Boston Harbor. Hell freezes over. Clippers make playoffs.
2075 — The Utah Jazz are still lame. The Chicago Bears still can’t get a quarterback. Softball players are still fat. And I still can’t figure out why anyone watches NASCAR.
So there you have it — yup, sure bets I tell you.
Respect to the Waves, respect to all the Waves fans, and respect to all those who read the sports section. Without you, I’d just be another loudmouth sports fan with an opinion. I’m out.
April 03, 2003
