Hi. I can tell by your eye wrinkles and your barely noticeable upper lip hair, that you’ve had a busy couple of weeks (I have tiny high-definition cameras in the eyes of my above headshot). Do not fret. Valentine’s Day is over, and I would like to propose a toast to its survivors. Cheers to those who survived it and still have a significant other by means of a rose, a card or candy. Cheers to those who endured it and are still looking by means of chick flicks, tissues and candy. Cheers to those who thrived alone, watching in tender appreciation of others’ happiness. To all of you, we did it again, and we’ll do it again next year. God bless America.
Unlike many other single people, I thoroughly enjoy Valentine’s Day. It makes me giddy to see government-mandated expression of affection. I am personally not plagued with the inability to express affection with nearly everyone, so I experience no envy or hatred in the observation of these rituals.
Now, I’ve been studying movies such as “A Knights Tale,” “Sword in the Stone,” “Troy,” “A Kid in King Arthur’s Court,” “Dragon Tales” (TV) and “Timeline” for the last 22 years, ladies. I know a thing or three about chivalry. I understand that because of a slightly smaller stature, un-calloused palms and a great deal of hairspray, it would be absurd to expect women to fight their own dragons (fire breath + hairspray = hair disaster). Sure, “Xena: Warrior Princess,” “Lara Croft,” and “Murder She Wrote” all featured foxy female heroines, but they really only existed to fill a specific, unchartered niche of erotica. These female protagonists are extremely fun to watch, but if you think about it, you rarely find their motives to be men. In many films men are often climbing mountains, fighting witches, eating weird things and sweating — for the love of a woman. Women on the other hand, are often simply waiting for the man, or fighting their own battles for wildly unromantic reasons. Can you imagine a Disney movie that featured a woman fighting as hard for a man as the man fought for the same woman? Jafar would need another wizard hat, Ursula would need eight more legs, and Scar would need 10 more Whoopie Goldbergs to battle that kind of reciprocated romance.
I’m not stupid. I realize that because women are smarter, they carry more books, and therefore cannot open their own doors. That because they’re too busy worrying about childbearing, they can’t worry about wearing a sweater in the cold. That because they only consumed a small Chai tea and a pack of Splenda in the last 24 hours, that they are constantly faint enough to require the only chair in the room. That because they are constantly rushed by their impending menopause, they must be ushered to the front of every conceivable line.
These societal structures were created in a time of rampant inequality. By adhering to them, we are validating the sexist constitutions of the past. Kindness is one thing, but altering basic behavior simply because of the existence of a woman in any given social situation is a manipulative lie.
I am obviously single and occasionally lazy. I just think that there are so many better things that I can devote myself to than lying to a woman by changing my behavior and actions to woo them. Sure, I open the door for my girl friends. I also offer my jacket, chair and anything else I can. But not because they are female and I think they deserve special treatment. I open the door for everyone in my life, male and female, because I care about them and I enjoy expressing that.
My current relationship status clearly reflects that my method is flawed. However, I see no immediate logical or moral flaws in being completely honest and vulnerable with every person in my life, not adjusting my behavior for temporary approval. For the moment, I am deeply fulfilled by my friends and my teddybear, Benjamin (who was kidnapped last week — contact me for more information). I am thrilled by the thought of romantically expressing my affection for someone, without fear of falling short of a self-painted portrait of myself. Until then, I get to wait and watch.
