Dear Peeping Tom,
A cursory knowledge of statistics would lead us to believe that your name may not in fact be Tom, but I’ve never met one that I liked and I’m all for labeling when convenient, so I’m going to call you Tom.
What are you doing, bud? You can’t just keep sticking your flip phone into shower vents. It’s not socially acceptable.
Now I could start by attacking your lack of technological knowledge in light of this scandal with relative ease. Sure, it would seem illogical to think that someone living in the year 2012, who has come to terms with such sub-human behavior, wouldn’t know of the sordid things just a Google search away on the internet (and legal nonetheless). I could also chastise you for committing said crimes with a flip phone, an ancient relic with fewer megapixels than a 20th century Cubist painter. But none of this is prudent to my point, and thus I won’t delve into that.
Tommy, girls don’t like it when you secretly film them showering. Lament it all you want, but that’s the God honest truth. Now my fear is that as long as you’re on the loose, girls around this campus will fall into bad hygiene habits, and believe me nobody wants that. This isn’t Victorian England; it’s not hip to shower twice a year. But that’s the path you’re indirectly leading us down T-Dog. You see, when you indulge yourself in this selfish act of filmmaking, you’re actually hurting everybody around you.
Voyeurism, apart from being hard to spell, is pretty illegal. And by pretty I mean totally. You can’t take your cell phone to jail, so when you do get caught, and you will, believe me, this whole enterprise you’re fostering will come crashing to the ground like a bad game of Jenga…one you play by yourself (It says 2-4 players on the side of the box for a reason). It’s unsustainable and unproductive. Imagine if you took all the time you’ve squandered on hiding in bushes or climbing trees to catch the faint, foggy glimpse of a female practicing healthy sanitation habits and reallocated it towards getting good grades. By golly, you’d be valedictorian!
We all want love Tommy Boy, I get that. But have you noticed no love story in the history of love stories has ever started out with the girl saying “Well…I was showering and then I looked up at the window and there was the love of my life staring back at me with a crappy Nokia flip phone”? The girls at this school can be intimidating to talk to, and I’d be lying if I said the dating scene here wasn’t volatile. But there are still plenty of ways to meet ladies around here that will not send you to the slammer. Here’s a list of examples:
1. Anything.
It’s that simple Thom. Play hard to get by being a jerk, tell her you love her before you’ve exchanged names, heck, throw a pie in her face. They’re literally all better options than what you’re doing now. You can do it man, I’m sure the right girl is around this campus just waiting to be swept off her feet by Prince Charming (I would however try to steer clear of mentioning this particular time in your life…). I accidentally ridiculed a girl for eating a brownie sundae at the HAWC last semester, and now she’s my girlfriend, so believe me when I tell you, there really is hope for everyone. And, if all else fails, you could just email me and I’ll write up a dating profile for you in my next column (I do that, you know…). The best part about it? DPS won’t knock down your door with a battering ram at 3 AM for doing it.
I’m here to help T-man. I want you to become a productive member of society. But you’re gonna have to pump the breaks. Turn yourself in, bud. That’s the only way this can end with some hope for redemption. Love can be a tough thing to deal with. Trust me, I’ve been there (for everybody else reading this, I’ve obviously never been there). I hope something good comes from this. I’ll be praying for help to find its way to your doorstep. But until then, use your Nokia strictly for playing snake. Thanks Tom.
