Transparency Item: The Perspectives section of the Graphic is comprised of articles based on opinion. This is the opinion and perspective of the writer.
I’ve recently noticed that, as I’ve gotten older, the word “shy” is used less and less, especially regarding adults. I still hear children referred to as “shy kids,” but as an adult, words like “introverted” and “reserved” seem to be the preferred descriptors.
I tend to use “introversion” interchangeably with “shyness,” and I’ve experienced a level of both, but there are a few distinctions. “Introversion” signals an individual’s general, but not absolute, preference for remaining alone, while “shyness” can refer to anxiety or unhealthy self-consciousness when interacting with other people.
In my experience, “shy” is typically used in a way that connotes weakness or a personality flaw that needs to be grown out of before it becomes a stubborn characteristic.
Around the second grade, I would periodically get sent out of the classroom with a few other kids to learn social skills curriculum, and while I don’t think they intended to be obvious, it seemed to me like a transparent attempt to correct something “wrong” with us.
Despite this kind of disapproval, shyness was not strictly discouraged in my upbringing, and I think it rarely is. I was also praised by authority figures for being “polite” and “sweet” because I didn’t talk enough to prove I was anything else.
I think this trait is also one of the reasons I managed to avoid some of the painful interpersonal conflicts that were common in late elementary school. When I spoke, I was very agreeable and didn’t do much to disturb the fragile ecosystem of adolescent communities.
While I have no real issue with being a moderately quiet person, I have experienced in recent years some frustration, as well as a sense of peace, with this element of my personality, and I don’t think that experience is unique to me.
It feels as if, to be perfectly agreeable, people have to strike an impossible balance between toning themselves down and appearing confident enough to avoid seeming unnerving. I think a lot of people who view themselves as introverted or extroverted worry that they make other people uncomfortable by being who they are.
One way to combat these anxieties is by reframing the popular concept of personality itself. A lot of people tend to place themselves in definitive boxes that represent one side of a dichotomy: introvert or extrovert, logical or emotional, analytical or artistic.
These characteristics can be general avenues for people to better understand themselves, but personality types are not as limited as that. Different introverts may be different in different situations, and well-established tests of these characteristics tend to provide results that are more dynamic than static.
For example, I usually enjoy prepared public speaking, but icebreaker activities make me feel like an overheated robot. It isn’t only the fact that I don’t find those things fun, but it’s the embarrassment of worrying that I look like someone who’s too uptight, withdrawn or stuck-up to participate like everybody else.
Similarly, an extrovert who holds no resentment for icebreaker activities might hate the idea of public speaking. General traits like these are patterns of behavior, but they exist in a dynamic way, and a personality does not begin and end with a few descriptors.
It can be difficult to do things that contradict our self-concept, but I have found this can sometimes be a healthy thing to do. I often feel reluctant to attend events where I know there will be a crowded room, but lately, I’ve been taking this reluctance as a sign that I should go anyway.
I rarely end up regretting these decisions. The occasional low-stakes effort to step out of my comfort zone has been almost nothing but positive, and it has been especially necessary during college.
While I encourage people who lean toward the introverted side to challenge the limits of their own self-concept, I also think it’s important to acknowledge that our world often undervalues introverted qualities.
Playing the role of the observer and maintaining personal boundaries can be healthy, and I have found that developing a sense of peace with oneself is also crucial for having the confidence to branch out.
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Contact Alyssa Johnson via email: alyssa.johnson@pepperdine.edu
