This is it, you guys.
After years of rumors and speculation, 2012 has arrived, which means of course that the human race is in the midst of one big, triumphant victory lap.
It’s hard to say whether the Mayans had any clue what they were talking about; especially since they didn’t have the wherewithal to foresee 175 years of Spanish Conquests that lead to their obliteration. Unless you’ve never surfed past the History Channel late at night or gone off errantly Googling, you have to know about their “prophecies” by now. Come December 21 our hearts are sure to skip a beat before checking the news.
Although in the age we live in, it may be hard to determine which breaking stories fall under the “Earth is ending” category and which ones fall under “regular newsday.” During these dark and trying times though, take solace in the fact that California will likely be the last place on Earth to be incinerated by the flames of the apocalypse.
Alas, you cannot change the cards you’re dealt. What’s important is that we come together to make the most of our remaining days. Enough of these lame resolutions to “get in shape” or “eat more acai berries.” Here are 10 resolutions that not only can every person on this campus fulfill, but that would change the world we live in forever.
1. Can we once and for all agree to stop adding “–GATE” to every major scandal that pops up in our culture? Somehow we’ve let this reckless trend survive for almost 40 years. This suffix made sense at the time because the apartment building the scandal happened at was called Watergate. Wasn’t Nancy Grace’s on-air nip-slip bad enough before we started calling it Nipplegate?
2. Enough with the abbreviating of words. The English language has been desecrated enough as it is with words like guesstimate and refudiate. So when some of us, not pointing any fingers (sorority girls), go around saying any variation of TOTES or VOM … a little part of me wants to throw up.
3. When you’re on an airplane, don’t jack your seat back. I’m always the one sitting behind you. And in full discretion, the projected benefits of changing your seat’s angle from 90 to 105 degrees pales in comparison to the fact that I now have 75 degrees of workspace and must spend five hours reading SkyMall.
4. Don’t drink a frappucino before lunchtime. I don’t care what Italian word you give it, that’s a milkshake. And while we’re on it, don’t ever say Starbz.
5. Don’t support Pajama Jeans either. It’s really depressing to see someone in them and believe me; we all know you’re wearing them.
6. Let’s all stop eating corndogs. They’re gross.
7. If putting a phone to your ear is too much of a hassle, can you please at least make it obvious that you’re wearing a Bluetooth? It would save me a lot of trouble.
8. This may not technically be a resolution but can someone try to find me a Phyllis under 65? I’m starting to think they’re just generating from some place at that age and I’m getting nervous (NOTE: this could be our link to stopping Judgment Day).
9. When passing an acquaintance or friend throughout the day, try to avoid your ritual conversation. “What’s up?” and “How are you?” are so vapid. If you want to know how someone is, wait for the answer. Or just ask specific questions and try to be truly interested in others.
10. Be kind. Let’s make it a goal to tell at least one person, friend or stranger, something we like or admire about them. It’s amazing how the embers of one act of kindness can ignite a firestorm.
Let’s make this the best year of our lives. Actually, the best 355 days, but who’s counting, right?
