GABE DURHAM
Staff Writer
Everybody is getting excited just because scientists photographed wild gorillas using rudimentary tools. Apparently this is a big deal because they were the only species of great apes so dumb they didn’t even know you could use a rock to smash things.
Welcome to the club, you dirty, stinking apes. I smash things with rocks all the time.
It’s just like when a kid makes a crayon portrait of his or her mom for a Mother’s Day card, and the mother says it looks exactly like her. The other day, I dug up one of the cards that I drew for my mom at age 6.
I remembered having drawn a masterpiece, so you can imagine how crushed I was when I realized how terrible it was.
I told her, “Either you were lying to me about the accuracy of my drawing, or you have such a bad self-image that you think your torso is an awkward green oval.”
If she wanted to do me a real favor, my mom should have told me to get a job.
Once we stop celebrating the pseudo-accomplishments of animals and stupid little kids, we can start to give recognition to what really matters: entertainment.
Still, we are left with one question: “How does one measure if art is good?”
It’s actually very easy.
Let’s start with movies. All you’ve got to do is compare the film in question to the most highly-regarded film in history, Jackie Chan’s “Rumble in the Bronx.” If the film is in many ways similar to “Rumble,” it should be considered an instant classic. If not, it should be smashed with a rock immediately.
Pepperdine has been a-buzz about “Crash” lately since it just played in Elkins, so let’s use it as the example. The characters in “Crash” deal with racial tensions in Los Angeles. That’s a good thing. Plus four points. However, the actors in “Crash” did not choreograph all of their own stunts. Minus eight points. While no protagonists single-handedly take on a street gang, there is one that beats up two carjackers and then threatens the cops. Plus two points. The most obvious mistake made: no Jackie Chan. Minus five points.
With a total of 11 points, you can go ahead and trash “Crash.” I should mention that it’s true that there are different genres of films, and not every filmmaker starts out with the goal of making a sweet Jackie Chan action movie. That’s OK. They can do whatever they want — it just won’t be any good.
To measure any other form of art, you just relate it back to “Rumble in the Bronx” as well. If it’s a dance performance, ask, “Are the dancers fighting each other?” “West Side Story,” for instance, is an example of good dancing.
If it’s music, ask, “Could Jackie Chan defend a grocery store to this song?” This is why Rocky’s “Eye of the Tiger” is objectively the greatest piece of music ever written.
By the way, the House is overhauling the Endangered Species Act of 1973, and not a moment too soon. Maybe after every endangered animal finally dies out, America will wise up and start celebrating “Rush Hour 2.”
If you need me, I’ll be protesting our culture on the steps of Smothers Theatre, smashing copies of “Planet of the Apes” with a rock.
10-06-2005
