GABE DURHAM
Staff Writer
Sometimes you have to make ridiculous blanket statements to see if anyone is paying attention.
Long after the phrase “I ain’t saying she’s a gold-digger” is dead and gone, “George Bush doesn’t care about black people” will continue to be quoted. Not because it’s true, but because Kanye West abandoned all tact and rationality to support his point.
Surely we can forgive him though, the way we forgave Tom Cruise when he said that vitamins would cure Brooke Shields’ postpartum depression.
We all know what it’s like to be passionate about the issues.
I recently got a letter that said, “Gabe, as a single mother of three and an ardent feminist, I’m concerned that you are using your column as a shameless plug for your friend’s Homecoming campaign and other personal agendas. Please think of the children.”
I’d like to argue that, yes, I plug my own agendas, but I actually feel loads of shame every time I do it. Sigh.
You know, on our 11:00 p.m. Monday-night KWVS radio variety show, “Gather Round, Children,” Thomas Bush and I tend to hit on some pretty meaty issues ourselves. Last week we performed a song about a union conflict in a 1960s cannery that really stirred the pot of Pepperdine controversy.
I got pretty nervous when Thomas said all workers’ unions were “dens of sloth and debauchery,” but the heated discussion that followed was more than worthwhile. Tears were shed and everyone grew a little.
I should relax. After all, everything will go swimmingly as long as we remember the three “don’ts” for Pepperdine radio:
1. Don’t swear. If an “Oh, fiddlesticks” slips out on the air, we have to press the “dump” button before the whole campus is corrupted by such filth.
2. Don’t play Alkaline Trio because they hate our school. If given the chance, those Satanists would murder your pets and make you watch.
3. Don’t call anyone to action. Not even slight action, like, “lift your arm,” or “breathe.” So if Robot Island was performing at the Hollywood Bowl and there were still a few tickets left, all I could do would be to tell you that the concert exists, and then make it clear that I have no opinion on the matter.
If we break any of these rules, there are big penalties. Roger the Radio Bear is released in the studio and he tears us a new one.
These penalties are pretty typical in radio. Howard Stern’s station fines him if he doesn’t crush the self-esteem of at least four already-unstable strippers before the show’s close. Newt Gingrich has to contradict himself every minute, or his microphone will explode. The reporters on National Public Radio are instantly fired if they raise their voices above a sedate, inaudible whisper.
There’s a lot of freedom in college radio because no one is listening.
People may watch you on TV or go see your movie, but they aren’t going to listen to your radio show unless they’re stuck in the glory days when radio was king.
But most of those people are already dead.
All this talk of my own radio show has gotten me feeling pretty shameful. I think I’ll go sit in the dark for awhile.
09-29-2005
