GABE DURHAM
Staff Writer
I was really banking on the assumption that I would suddenly remember how to read once school started, and it still hasn’t happened, so I’m dropping out of Pepperdine.
It’s sad, yes, but at least I’ve got more time for my music. There’s my folksy solo career as Gabriel-Jo, my maudlin indie rock band, The Reefs, and, of course, my electronic side project, Robot Island.
Unfortunately, critics have panned the solo project as “tragically imitative,” the indie band as “Suck Cab for Ugly,” and the electronic project as “train-wreck vocals over comes-with-the-keyboard beats.” That hurt my feelings almost as badly as the hate mail I’ve been getting about my illiteracy.
It seemed like it was back to running my illegal gambling ring until I heard about the timely death of Chief Supreme Court Justice Judge William Rehnquist. It hit me like a ton of children: I should be appointed Supreme Court justice. I’d be great. I hear that John Roberts may have dibs on the position, but I’d still be happy with being a regular justice.
You’re wondering, “Why should I appoint Gabe Durham?” I must first say that you are a very attractive individual. That’s on a tangent, sure, but I had to say what was in my heart.
I also have experience. I already judge people all the time. The other day my friend told me about all the jaywalking he’d recently gotten into, and I pretended like it didn’t bother me. But in my heart, I knew that I was better than him.
I’ve probably watched about a 1,000 Judge Judy trials. I’m pretty sure the Supreme Court is the same thing except that the defendant is the state of California instead of some deadbeat Los Angeles dad who won’t pay his child support. I also understand that Supreme Court justices love to argue about some guy named Rovey Wade.
Plus, I’m an idea man. For instance, in last year’s Pepperdine mascot competition, I entered a creature called Sharkman. He’s a half-man, half-hammerhead shark who wears business suits. Ferocious, professional and wickedly sexy, he was a shoe-in for the Pepperdine mascot. I can only assume that the committee lost my submission, or every foe of Pepperdine would already be trembling in his wake.
“Sure, Gabe, you look good on paper, but where do you stand on the issues?”
Fair enough, my gorgeous constituent. For starters, I’m for women voters. I may be stepping on some toes here, but I think that women are entitled to just as much of an opinion as men. And if you don’t agree, you can take a hike. I’m also for freedom and American flags.
Here’s what I’m against, though: Jim Crow laws. Vote for me, and you’ll never see those again.
For my campaign tour, I’ll be hitting the CCB, the CAC and the OPP pretty hard. I’m not sure when the election is, and as far as I know, I’m running unopposed, but I’ll get back to you with further updates.
I apologize for wandering off the topic of my A&E news. Next week will be nothing but cheap shots about Michael Jackson. I promise.
09-15-2005
