Halloween can be lonely if you’re single. Like, even lonelier than every other day. That’s because you’re supposed to mock fear with other people on Halloween, and that’s difficult to do when other people already find you terrifying. But it’s OK — there are ways for even you, the proud individual, to enjoy Halloween. And, fortunately for you, you don’t have to have any prospects of doing these things. In fact, also fortunately for you, you don’t have to have any friends at all to do these things.
Loop “Monster Mash” all day. There’s no better way to celebrate Halloween than by driving every sensible soul away from you. If you start playing “Monster Mash” at midnight and you play it straight through for 24 hours, you should be able to hear the whole thing about 430 times. That should be enough for you to memorize the lyrics and perhaps start your own “Monster Mash” cover band. But doing the graveyard smash or the Transylvania Twist by yourself still makes you four short of the Crypt-Keeper Five.
Read Edgar Allen Poe. While “Monster Mash” is looping in the background, download some Edgar Allen Poe and read it aloud. He’s a laugh-a-minute author who had a knack for personifying ravens. In a different story, “The Tell-Tale Heart,” the namesake heartbeat convicts a murderer of his crime, but your heart is your own. It won’t beat to convict you.
Watch “Die Another Day.” “Beetlejuice” and “The Nightmare Before Christmas” are both good Halloween movies. “Troll 2” is so bad it’s good. But “Die Another Day,” Pierce Brosnan’s last Bond movie, is so bad it’ll hurt you to watch it. Truly horrifying, “Die Another Day” features a face transplant, an invisible car, an ice palace and a space laser. Even the inclusion of Halle Berry can’t salvage the wreckage of this movie, and that just shows you how scary the movie really is.
Go to Knott’s Scary Farm, by yourself. Sure, the park is meant to be enjoyed with people, but since you don’t enjoy people you sure won’t enjoy having organized fun with people. By no means pay to enter. Just dress up with sunglasses and a hoodie and pretend you’re the Unabomber. People will stay out of your way. This will also allow you unrestricted access behind the scenes of the park. Pick up one of their fog machines and move on to step five.
Fog up a party. We’ve all seen “Mean Girls” and know what kind of Halloween party we’re talking about. But since you’re not cool enough to get an invitation, you’ll have to eavesdrop and find out where a party might be. Drive yourself and your fog machine off campus and set yourself up in a corner. Make so much fog that the party-goers can’t see each other. That way, they’ll be deprived of social contact just as you are.
Set up a candy exchange for trick-or-treaters. You might find you can’t stomach being around people your age. (There’s never been anything wrong with that. That’s perfectly normal and fine.) Find a lovely neighborhood and set up a sort of lemonade stand for the children. Bring a little candy yourself and be ready to exchange, charging a transaction fee of one piece per trade. Once you have a fair amount of undesirable candy, start leaving it around campus and see who picks it up.
Enjoy “Stick or Treat.” The Health Center’s event occurs Oct. 27, but you can get shots on other days, too! This is the way to be healthy, after all … physically, at least.
Dress up as someone in a relationship. This requires you to shower, shave and do your laundry. You might even do something with your hair. Don’t worry: It’s only for a day. No one actually expects you to make this sort of effort all the time. Keep it that way.
