For this week’s edition of “Top 10 I’ve decided to examine the plethora of characters all of us typically cross paths with in our classes. For better or worse, here is my rendition of the archetypal classmates.
1. The one who asks questions … just for fun. Because I’m just begging to hear you feed your curiosity on my time. Thanks for giving the class an opportunity to catch up while you ask our psych professor how such and such particular complex theory applies to displaced goldfish in the Tropics. The other 200 in Elkins will wait on you, because you are so awesome.
2. The one who’s all talk. You know, the kid who rarely shuts up … and you still get a higher grade than him. A show horse, but not a work horse.
3. The one who cares more than anyone else. Especially prevalent in small discussion classes. He or she is in a related major and is absolutely fascinated by the subject, while everyone else … isn’t. And they’re just a little too sensitive in class debates. And no, they won’t just let it go.
4. The one who doesn’t care at all. Any of the following are appropriate ways of addressing this student: Dude this is horrifying?” “Uh hello?” “Are your basic cognitive functions in order?””Is any of this registering at all!?” If he or she shows up at all that is.
5. The one who absolutely must apply religion. I’m not sure what Jesus has to do with quantum physics but no doubt this student will bring it up.
6. The one who’s always eating. Tacos. In econ. At 8 a.m. Yeah… Do I smell heartburn?
7. The one who’s way overdressed. From the suit and tie you’d think he’s got a job interview or something afterward… but no.
8. The hippie. Listen. I don’t care if you’re a pluralist-humanist-secularist. The words in your otherwise colloquial vernacular are bigger than your … well not your ego. And it doesn’t matter if you made that vest— surrender it at the door. Thanks. Also thanks for dropping Great Books Monsieur Meursault. I won’t explain to you again why you can’t be an existentialist absurdist. It’s done.
9. The one with a body like a multi-car pileup … you can’t stop staring at it. I know sometimes it’s the only reason you show up at all.
10. The one it’s really awkward to run into. For various reasons: Your friends used to date you met them before (you’re sure) but you can’t remember their name you once nearly took their door down looking for somewhere to use the restroom you shared a fly-by-night evening one warm autumn night … and conveniently lost their phone number. You know.
