Um … you guys?
We’ve got a serious problem here. I’m talking BIG problem, like Princeton-Review-College-Ranking-plummeting problem; me-thinking-about-transferring-out-of-this-university problem; Mayan-Calendar-ending-type problem (OK, this one might be a small exaggeration).
The HAWC forgot to bring back their Island Oasis SB3X model smoothie blender.
That’s right, what you just read wasn’t a misprint or figment of your imagination. They forgot about the blender. One summer and countless millions (speculative?) of dollars later, the highly touted summer renovations of the Howard A. White Center added plenty of new drywall and fancy “lighting,” but trashed the only thing that ever motivated me to go in there last year: the Island Oasis SB3X model smoothie blender.
When I got wind of the renovations last year, I just assumed that meant they were installing a small army of Island Oasis SB3X model smoothie blenders, lined up in a row behind the counter, pumping out delicious frozen beverages to the tune of smiling, satisfied collegiate faces. After all, what else, besides the blender, was good about that place? All kidding aside, nobody was going in there to grab the frozen “XL burritos” lying in the fridge.
When I finally saw the finished product, I broke out into hives as I timidly surveyed the place with nervous laughter, repeating the phrase, “This is kind of nice …” After an hour passed with no sign of the Island Oasis SB3X model smoothie blender, I approached the cashier and asked her if someone mistakenly left the blender in the drywall during renovations. She laughed.
“No, we sent the blender back to the company, but we have brownies now. Check out the menu.” I frowned, turning my attention to the menu of a store that had no name. A single tear fell down my face as I whispered to the lady, “What kind of operation is this … I will get one of those brownies though. They look good.”
This isn’t right. Something must be done about this. Who cares about the new carpet and (amazing) brownie sundaes if we don’t have the smoothie maker?
“Every generation needs a new revolution,” Thomas Jefferson once said.
Forget about the fact that our country is bankrupt, our school system broken, our waters tarnished with the syrupy iniquity of petroleum, our people oppressed by inequality, our economy falling faster than that satellite last week, our military stuck in never-ending quagmires overseas, our healthcare system unaffordable to many of its citizens, our borders a virtual turnstile for illegal immigrants, our bodies a carrier pigeon to every disease ever known, and many yet to be discovered.
Now I don’t know about you, but I am willing to do whatever it takes. An Island Oasis SB3X model smoothie blender, from the company, costs $2,450. But forget about that I found one on eBay for $600 (granted its “buttons don’t always work,” and I’m pretty sure I saw a mildew stain in the photo), and it looks like it can get the job done.
There are 3,700 students at this school. And despite the fact that everyone’s wearing TOMS here, the 35 pairs of them per capita leads me to believe at least some of us have a disposable income. Now, I’m not asking for much. Depending on whether we want the one with the mildew in it or not, each student only needs to donate 15 cents for us to get that blender back. I SAID CENTS!
If we raise the money, Pepperdine won’t have a choice. I will not stop until the blender is back. Every column of mine from here on out will be dedicated to the realization of this cause (unless of course I find something else that slightly irks me before then). If you’d like to join the movement, send me a note, or heck, just hand me your loose change when you see me around campus. The donation jar has already been created. And, if all else fails, I’ll just start making them in my dorm in exchange for Caf points and friendship.
Generations before us had World War II and civil rights. We have the Island Oasis SB3X model smoothie blender. Be a part of the revolution.
