You’re single, and International Talk Like a Pirate Day is Monday. Founded by two Oregonian brigands — one’s married, one’s divorced — and popularized by humor writer Dave Barry, ITLAPD has taken on a life of its own. But merely talking like a pirate is the scallywag’s way of celebrating ITLAPD. Couples talk in cutesy voices to each other already. You must outdo them by proving you’re more dedicated to a parodic holiday than to any person. Here are a few other ways to celebrate ITLAPD and momentarily forget your aching loneliness.
1. Bury loose change in Alumni Park. Since you’re not paying to date anyone, you probably have a lot of loose change. Take a shovel to Pepperdine’s verdant hills and hide some of it. Draw crude maps in Microsoft Paint, print them off and scatter them around the field. No doubt, the rugby team will probably find your numismatic treasure. But while you’re in Alumni Park, don’t be tempted to swim with the sharks in that retention pond: You’ll get a staph infection. It’s funny that you think I’m kidding. If you’re dead set on taking a dip, you can…
2. Walk the plank at our swimming pool. The water polo team likes to practice here, and random Malibu-ites like to swim laps. Disrupt their healthy activity by binding your own hands as a symbol of your captivity to your own oppressive mind. Then, walk backwards off the diving board into the swimming pool. If you’re feeling impetuous, do a 180 at the end of the board and spar with those mental demons who sentenced you to death. Don’t let the lifeguard in the crow’s nest escape unscathed, either. Once you’ve freed yourself, set out on your own and…
3. Shipwreck your car somewhere on campus. Parking here is hard enough. Make it harder for everyone else by parking perpendicular instead of parallel to the other cars on Seaver Drive. Alternatively, parallel park in the perpendicular spaces in the Law or Firestone lots. Better yet, crash your car into the Sandbar and berate your crew for letting you run aground. Wait, you don’t have a crew? You mean, you’re so single you don’t even have anyone to carpool with? Walk into the Sandbar and move onto step four.
4. Combat scurvy at Jamba Juice. Pirates used to drink their rum with lime to combat scurvy, a vitamin C deficiency. Pepperdine’s a dry campus, but we do have fruit smoothies. Take over the line to the register — pirates don’t wait in lines! — and order a scurvy blaster. It’s on the secret menu. While you’re sipping away the spots on your skin, get on one of the computers in the Sandbar and —
5. Read up on Somali pirates. Piracy’s not dead. In fact, it’s still killing people. Read some news stories about your fellows terrorizing cruise ships, those wretched love boats, and then engage in some piracy of your own.
6. Pirate “Pirates of the Caribbean.” Now, Tech Central caps illegal downloading on Pepperdine’s network. You’ll have to get around this by actually purchasing copies of the “Pirates” movies on the cheap off eBay and selling them in jewel cases out of a cardboard box. People will think you’re a really skilled pirate for making up DVD labels, but you’re really just gouging them on each sale. Take your extra money, go back to No. 1 and then move on to No. 7.
7. Celebrate Cornish nationalism. Robert Newton, the guy who played all your favorite pirates back in the ’50s, was from Cornwall, the southwest region of England. Further, many actual pirates came from the ports in the region. Even further, the Cornish flag is St. Piran’s — a white cross on a black plain. In short, the Cornish are real pirates. Surprisingly, one way to celebrate Cornish nationalism is by surfing. Cornwall is warmed by the Gulf Stream and is thus the only spot in England where you can surf. While you’re surfing here in Malibu, make sure to yell at swimmers who get in your way. Also, “accidentally” kick up sand at all the couples sharing towels on the beach. That’ll prove you’re well-adjusted and content with being single. When you return to campus…
8. Get a first mate. And since you can’t convince any people to hang around you, you’re going to have to buy a parrot. (You can’t keep a pet in the dorms, but that doesn’t mean you can’t keep a pet in your campus mailbox.) Consult your parrot for all your major decisions. Let his mimicry fool you into thinking you’re not alone in this world — even though you are.
