I got a flat tire this week. At first, I was bummed because that meant I had to walk up to the CCB from Lovernich instead of driving. But then I realized that this was an opportunity to learn how to change a tire, something I have been told every woman should know how to do. So I set out to cross off this life bucket list item. Here are my instructions, in laywoman’s terms, for changing a tire without breaking a nail or a sweat.
Note: If at any point you feel confused, lost, overwhelmed or insecure, call your father. He has probably been waiting since the day he found out he was having a girl to walk you through this over the phone.
Step 1: Make sure the tire is actually flat. It would be a shame to waste effort changing a tire when all that’s needed is to put some air in it. If it is flat, then the bottom should look like it’s melting into the asphalt. To confirm the diagnosis, grab a tire pressure gauge (the thing that looks kind of like a pen or an ear thermometer, depending on if it’s analog or digital). If it reads around zero, feel confident that this is an opportunity to learn something.
Step 2: Check to see if you have a spare and a jack. I had never seen a spare tire in my car, so this was an important step for me. But, in fact, it was hidden in this discrete compartment underneath my trunk bed. I just had to pull up the felt and unscrew this little knob to open up the trap door over the spare. Most spares are smaller than a regular tire, but have faith in their ability. (You may hear a man refer to one as a “doughnut,” which I can only assume has to do with the resemblance to the chocolate cake variety; use this lingo to sound experienced.) A jack is the contraption that holds the car up so you can remove the offending wheel. Unless you have three arms and 60-inch biceps, this is an essential part of the process.
Step 3: Go to the DPS office. Do not call them on the phone first. In your most innocent, damsel-in-distress voice, tell the officer at the window that you have a flat tire and need help. This step takes the most skill, because changing tires is not a service that DPS is technically obligated to provide for students. The window officer told me that it would be up to the on-call officer to decide whether or not he wanted to help me. This is why you should not call beforehand — it is too easy for the office attendant to say no over the phone. Helplessness comes through much stronger in person. So I produced an obviously forced but slightly nervous smile, smoothed my skirt and waited for the decider of tire fate to come forth.
(At this point, some astute readers may have come to the judgmental conclusion that I did not really change my own tire. In a manner of speaking, they are technically correct. But I have been told that men like to feel helpful. With this in mind, how could I, in good conscience, deny a DPS officer the opportunity to fulfill this fundamental desire for helpfulness? I decided to take the high road and sacrifice some of my womanly independence for the sake of our dear public safety guardians.)
In my case, the officer had no objection to coming to my rescue. I can’t guarantee that this will work for everyone; it really depends on how well you present yourself. Make sure to cover up any tattoos or intense battle scars before you go. These may be interpreted as false indicators of self-sufficiency, and your request may be denied.
If you succeed in step 3, go on to step 4. If not, see the note above.
Step 4: Accompany the officer to your car. Show him where the spare and jack are, and he will know what to do. If he starts explaining the process to you, act interested to demonstrate your appreciation. (If your father later tries to re-teach you, still act interested. It may cause a serious rift in your relationship if he finds out that someone else taught you to change a tire.) The officer who helped me deserves a whole box of real doughnuts for his helpfulness. He joked and smiled through the whole thing, despite the sweat dripping down his face and the grease all over his hands. Then he gave me instructions on how to safely put air in the spare.
Step 5: Say thank you, and feel a false sense of accomplishment. Your tire is changed, and you have humbly given someone else the chance to use his skills in helping you.
And that’s all there is to changing your first flat tire. The same method also works if your car needs a jump, with slight modifications to steps 1 and 2. If anyone else would like to feel helpful, my air conditioning is broken, and my throttle body needs to be cleaned out.
