“No man is an island entire of itself.” True as these words may be you cannot help but feel like an island off the vast cohesive continent that is humanity. The word “us” does not exist to you anymore. There’s “me you” and “them” – two “thems actually. The them” of the present and the “them” of the past. The overwhelming mass of students currently surrounding you judging you or maybe overlooking you completely and the core group of friends you left behind when you came to this strange new world known as college.
I received a call from a close friend Lailee a week into her life as a college freshman. “I’m completely alone she sighed forlornly. I don’t know anyone and no one knows me. Everyone else either has their own little exclusive clique already or they show no interest in getting to know me.” I could hardly believe my ears. Lailee was friendly attractive outgoing unique intelligent and genuinely kind. She had been immensely popular and widely beloved at our small intimate private school. The only people who didn’t adore her were jealous and she won even them over eventually simply by being herself. If Lailee was struggling to make friends in college there was no hope for the rest of us.
Maybe this is all very painfully familiar to you. If not then it is to someone you know. Sure being a stranger in a strange land is new and exciting and teeming with promise but it can also be lonely. You are a blank slate to everyone around you perhaps for the first time in a long time. Perhaps you’re like me and you had a small close-knit group of friends who knew you inside and out just as you knew them. Or maybe you were more extroverted and had an extensive “crew” with whom you shared good times. Either way you are now officially starting over. This is not to say that you are abandoning the relationships you developed in high school but there is a new distance that was not there before and nothing will ever be the same again.
My experience throughout the first few weeks of college was similar to that of Lailee. It wasn’t that people weren’t kind and welcoming – they were. But the fact remained that they didn’t know me and I didn’t know them. Getting to know someone takes time and effort and so between the time you arrive at your new home and the time you begin to develop real friendships there is an awkward period of alienation.
I soon came to realize however that my real problem had been assuming that this alienated feeling was something I experienced alone. The more people I talked to the more people I met who shared in these feelings. Even the most pleasant outgoing sort admitted to that strange “alone in a crowd” sensation. Some even admitted to symptoms of depression. It struck me as shocking that so many people could bring themselves to smile and go about their lives while inside they were dealing with hidden insecurities and uncertainties.
The next time I talked to Lailee things had brightened considerably. “I realized that I just had to go for it she said, and I could hear her smile through the phone. I had to take the initiative to go out and talk to people instead of waiting for them to come to me. Once I did that things got a lot easier.” Maybe you’ve experienced the very same revelation. But if you’re still unsure and afraid of this relatively new environment don’t be. Look around. Notice the people eating alone or walking alone. Talk to them. You will soon find that there is nothing to fear here.