Dear Grace,
How do I assert my intellectual and social superiority so that the people around me understand that I’m better than them?
Sincerely,
Above Average
Dear AA,
You and I seem to have a lot in common, and no, readers, I did not write this question to myself. For 21 years I have lived my life in a constant struggle to advertise my crippling supremacy to those plebeians I deign to call my friends and acquaintances. Alas, I remain a mediocre student at a middle-tier university, unrecognized by students and faculty alike for those various achievements I have every right to take credit for. Regardless, I will share with you three of my most pseudo-successful undertakings.
No. 1. Post anonymously in social media forums
Tragic indeed was the day that CollegeACB.com was forced into premature retirement. Not only was such a website the perfect place to catch up on factual Pepperdine gossip, but it was also conducive to seeing precisely how little anyone cares about you as an individual. My own ACB strategy involved scanning the forum from the dark, damp depths of my A-suite freshman dorm room and posting scathing, well-thought-out remarks in regard to this Greek organization or that individual of questionable sexual orientation. Nothing says “I’m the best” like spending Saturday night attempting to casually bring yourself up in an online forum about something entirely different and staying up until dawn checking every 10 minutes for new comments, fully prepared to adamantly defend yourself disguised as an objective third party.
No. 2 Select a theme song
An essential step in becoming a badass emcee is the selection of an anthem. Surrounding yourself with motivational and inspiring music is a surefire way to remain in the mindset of someone who simply couldn’t care less. My personal hymn of choice is the timeless classic “Beez in the Trap,” produced by the self-ordained “Female Weezy,” Nicki Minaj. Other selections I find help to calm the emotional storms of my tortured, advanced mind include the following: “Ayy Ladies” by Travis Porter, “Work Hard, Play Hard” by Wiz Khalifa, “Hands” by Jewel and “Faded” by Tyga.
No. 3 Cultivate a unique hobby
In that same vein, I recommend dabbling in freestyle rap or taking up the mandolin. Seemingly nerdy, embarrassing hobbies are the bedrock of any life lived above the rest. That is, regardless of the ridicule you might be subject to as a result of your unpleasant temperament, subpar IQ score and chafing personality, you and every other person who walks this earth may cling to the excuse that no one understands the disposition of a true savant.
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